Want To Conquer The Earth?

Do you want to get out of your planet to another? Didn't the last planet you conquered fulfil your ambition? Are you sick and tired of hearing about the planet your neighbour annexed last week (as your better half keeps reminding you)? Then you have probably heard about “Conquer That Planet You Always Wanted” series of guides from Diabolical Press.

This week, we were lucky enough to get an advanced copy of the new “Earth” edition of “Conquer That Planet...” for review, and are glad to bring you some excerpts from the book:

Conquer That Planet You Always Wanted: Earth

Are you a radioactive slug (or a radioactivity buff)? This planet may turn radioactive any moment now. Are you someone who loves being around water? This planet is mostly water (and the level is increasing by the day). All in all, Earth is a good prospect, no matter what your tastes (as long as you pack for an oxygen rich environment).

Earth is classified as “Mostly Harmless”, and our guide is carefully tailored to take out that “Mostly” part from the equation, giving you a completely hassle-free campaign. So read on...

How to get there: You are looking for a nine (or eight, or ten, based on your definition) planet system in the extreme arm of a spiral galaxy. Once you get there, go past the ringed gas giant, an orange gas giant and a red planet, to the third planet from the sun. (Make sure you get the latest directions from your local astronomer).

The best time to get there: Make sure you get there on Friday night, Saturday or Sunday (known locally as weekend) local time. This is the time most of the local populace (humans) is busy either in “parties” or lazying about at their homes. That will guarantee a spectacular panic when your spaceship “arrives”.
Any other day of the week is also not bad, but make sure you avoid Monday, especially Monday mornings local time. Most of the humans are not exactly at their most hospitable behaviour at this time, which may prove costly to your enterprise.

What to wear: Most humans are afraid of giant things. Giant insects (“bugs”) and lizards are specially feared. So even if you are a emancipated two-foot high humanoid, make sure that your bodysuit or the robot you are controlling, projects a fearsome façade. Plus, this also makes a good plot point for the “movie” your attack is guaranteed to result in.
The other option, if you have enough time, you can go dressed as natives, and work from “inside”.

Local Defences: Due to lack of a centralized government, there is no single central agency you will be fighting, but a bunch of local agencies. Depending on situation, this may be both an advantage as well as disadvantage for you. The agencies may continue their policy of non-co-operation (or better yet, fight) each other even in the face of your attack. On the other hand, you may have to face several local battles.
At any cost, make sure you do your best not to do anything which will cause them to band together against you.

Some General Tips:
1.Take care of your equipment: It doesn't really suit a inter-planetary conqueror to lose a flying saucer or two. Not just that, if humans get their hands on your material (however technologically primitive they may be compared to you), they will use it to cause your destruction. So make sure that you fit all your fighting craft with “self-destruct” button, and train your fighters in its proper use (specifically, the difference between “Self-destruct” and “Fire-to-destroy” buttons).
2.Respect the local customs: Specifically, the local adage about the female of the species being more dangerous than the male. So, in the middle of campaign, don't get distracted, even if you are running out of fighter spawn, and you must get more soldiers right now. Believe us, it never ends happily.
Also, think how it will look when your better half finally joins you after you are victorious.
3.Stay healthy: Make sure that you are sufficiently inoculated against all known viruses and pathogens (that goes for your software too). And beware of (local and alien) Doctors.



The “Conquer That Planet...” guides are intergalactically well known as the foremost (and last) word about planetary invasion among the discerning elite. The “Earth edition" continues the tradition of the books containing extremely useful information collected from well-known (and some lesser-known) sources, excellent photography, and erudite and pertinent commentary on local conditions.

The edition will be available soon in your neighbourhood book-shop. Following the time-honoured tradition, the Earth edition of “Visit That Planet You Always Wanted” (the sister guide series of “Conquer...”, popularly known as the “Trepid Visitor's Book”) is already available for the readers.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

The Oldest "Living" Detective

After a (not so) brief break from "Detectives" series, we are back with the non-desi detectives. And to start off, we bring you the oldest "living" detective.

Marcus Didius Falco (series by Lindsey Davis):

Apparently, the lot of a Personal Informer in the roman times was not so different. He had to work on divorce cases, sometimes was treated worse than the criminals he investigated, and got the girl at the end (if not girls in between).

Luckily for Marcus, he literally bumps into an important case. When he uncovers the plot surrounding the missing silver pigs (ingots, which are used to pay the Praetorian Guard, the emperor's personal bodyguards), he gains the favour of the Emperor Vespasian, who is establishing himself on the throne.

Unfortunately for Marcus (and quite otherwise for us), the tight purse strings of the emperor means that Falco has to work as an imperial spy, at the same time handling the same-old murder and divorce cases. While this makes him an enemy of the Chief Spy Anacrites (whom Marcus easily outwits when necessary), it also means he can have two masters pay him for "important" cases, a fact he uses shrewdly.

He meets his lover, later wife and partner, Helena Justina, on his first case. A Senator's daughter, she is a headstrong, yet loving woman, who handles Falco's family as well as the pressures of his dangerous job quite well. Elegant, highly intelligent (and well-read being a Senator’s daughter) and thoroughly stubborn, she is at the same time perfect and highly inappropriate (given the times and their social ranks) match for Falco.

Falco, on his own is not an easy man to handle either. A soldier who served (but did not fight) in Britain during Boudicca's revolt, his military service has given him valuable experience. He is well aware that being a spy and a PI, puts him on almost the last rung of any hierarchy (though his social "rank" improves thanks to the royal favour), but has wits and brute force more than enough to survive in the cut-throat world. Being a staunch republican, he frets before taking up the job for Vespasian, but love conquers his personal beliefs.

Amidst the rich descriptions of post-Nero Rome, its culture, class relationships and festivities, what makes these novels really special is the wit and sarcastic commentary by one Marcus Didius Falco. Having a horrific murder or two, and a beauty or two doesn't hurt either.

Note: The age of the persons, as mentioned in the series refers to how old they would be if they had lived till today, and has nothing to do with the age as per canon. "Living" means that the author is continuing the series, as opposed to "non-living" where either the author cannot continue the series, or the character is dead according to canon.

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

P.S. From now on, The "Detectives" series will be a monthly (possibly twice-monthly) feature with non-desi detectives.

5 Little Insights

As if you wanted to know more about me, Amrita tagged me with this:

Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

So, time to take you over my journey till now. Fasten your seat-belts, and grab hold of your seats (no sticking your hands out of the windows please). We may yet have a few glitches in our time traveler:

Family – Interestingly, it seems that I haven't written much about my family, or my family members. I mean, I have posted about the things we did when I was younger, or about our Sunday morning activities, but that's it. So, this post about the Yesteryears is as close as I can come to fulfilling this.

Friends – Now this is easy. After all, you have read the exploits of the Knights of Round Table before. And there are plenty of Knight Chronicles on this blog and on (now R'ing-IP) Talons. (Which should make up for not giving you anything for point #1).

Myself – When it comes down to it, the whole blog is really about me. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing a blog right? So, here you have a collection of random thoughts.

My Love – If you really want the gossip, head over to this post about how I fell in love twice in a single day. Then again, here's the object of my latest affection, but I have yet to write a post on it, though I wrote almost an entire post on it last week [there's an inside joke in there ;)]

Anything I Please – Hmm... a bit too hard to decide this. Better to take you over to “Romeo and Juliet: The True Story”, “On The Seventh Day”, the short stories “Studio 14” and “The Relic Hunter”, not to forget “Vairangad” (the third and last part of which I will get around to edit sometime soon).



So, now I have told you quite a lot about me, myself and my interests. How's the information overload working for you? Had enough already?

And now, time to link people up... Now that the old acquaint. are disappearing right and left from the blogging scene (and rest are MIA), I guess it would be better if I just leave it open to anybody who wants to do it. Then again, don't be surprised if you wake up tomorrow with a comment on your blog telling you to take it up. Mystery, my name is...


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

P.S. Why don't these people learn? Just yesterday I read a piece about how Sachin hasn't scored a century in Australia (and how India is yet to win a final there) yet.

P.P.S. What is this Aussie fixation with monkey? I thought they had kangaroos over there, not monkeys. Then again, that explains that. Or is it due to the fact that the Aussies have been sledging for so long that they are not able to come up with new stuff?

Jodha-Akbar

No, this is not a review of the film. I haven't yet seen the movie (nor any trailers), and I am not sure when I will watch it, since I don't know any place nearby where the movie is screened. These are just some random thoughts connected to the movie.


This movie will probably create a new famous Indian historical "pair", but that comes at the cost of another famous jodi. Where is the witty Birbal in the story? While Akbar has featured in not a few movies, Birbal has been ignored by Bollywood (even his so-called competitor Tansen got his own movie). Watching Akbar without a mention of Birbal is like watching Hardy with one of his on-screen crushes/fiance/wife. He may be is funny on his own, but he is not the Ollie we know and like without Stan goofing up things with him.

And Bollywood broke the famous Akbar-Birbal pair by matching him up with a fictional character. A character, who (as probably all know by now) was possibly his daughter-in-law, one of the wives of Jahangir. But that does not surprise me as much as it should. After all, Jahangir (when he was known as Salim) was paired off with another fictional character, in perhaps the most famous historical in Hindi film history.

Incidentally, Jeahangir and his son Shah Jahan defy the saying about art and life. Shah Jahan is famous worldwide for his Taj Mahal, Jahangir not so much. But on the other hand, almost all Bollywood lovers have heard of Mughal-e-Azam, while I doubt anybody remembers the fate of Taj Mahal.

And does this (third in the line) movie denote the start of a trend to convert the lives of Mughal emperors into film media? Akbar, his son and grandson are already covered. It would be hard to find any romance in the life of his great-grandson though. Although the marathi novel "Shehenshah" by N. S. Inamdar is a great one, everybody would agree that the last important Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb was definitely not a romantic.

So let's go up the family tree, shall we? I am sure as the exile, Humayun would definitely provide much fodder to the creative imaginations of the Bollywood. Don't tell me you can't put a romance or two in the life of the person who spent most of his life as a refugee.

So, here's to Humayun, or rather, Jodha-Akbar, till somebody have go at the idea. Ashutosh, Sanjay, Shekhar, call me and we will discuss my fees.

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

The Single Guy's Guide to 14th Feb

This is a long post, but then the subject is even larger.


Now that the Valentine's Day is nigh, most of you will be frantically searching for someone to profess your undying love to. And since most of those people are doing this for the first time (or have been unsuccessful till now), you could all the help you can get. Remember, most of the institutions now club together this day with Rose Day, Chocolate Day, and all such days, leaving you with a single shot in a whole year to get The Girl (or a girl, as the case may be). You have to make it count.

So, we the people, who brought you such gems as this guide to first date, bring you the needy, sorry, desperate, sorry, people the "Single Guy's Guide to Valentine's Day", with tried and tested tips and tricks gathered from all across the media.

How to get the girl:

Right from the toothpaste you use (or should use) early in the morning (and hopefully, late at night), to the shaving cream, razor, after-shave, deodorant, breath-mints, everything is carefully researched and manufactured to help you get the girl you want. So really, there is not much to say here, since we don't like to reinvent the wheel. And oh, your set of wheels is also an important factor here, my friends.

Tried all that, and still the lady refused to oblige? Apparently there is an easy way out. Taking her to eat fried food has proven to transport her to an alternate universe, where she will go out with anybody who dares ask her (make sure that person is you). And it's cheap too, leaving you with enough dough for the all important day ahead.

But be careful, and use only what you can manage, as certain products may cause "biting off more than you can chew" syndrome. See advertisements for details.

The Gift Ideas:

So, you got yourself a girl, and want to keep her (at least till next year)? Gifts are the way to go here.

A simple card, or a flower bought at the last minute is proven equivalent to such thoughtful gifts as crafting a card or a gift on your own, leaving you with enough time to plan other things (or watch that match hoping we will win).

Caution: heart-shaped balloons, apart from their tendency to burst at most inopportune moment, are known to make you the brunt of jokes all year long, and even later. Avoid them if you can, or club them with a lot of other gifts.

Got money to spare? Diamonds, called "the best friend of the girl" as not so bad mates for male species either. A diamond is known to open up new avenues in your relationship (unlike most puns on this site, this is unintentional, and not just because "avenue" is a completely wrong word to use there). Not just that, based on (from what I can gather) the size, number and glitter of the stone(s), the "value" for your investment may range from a simple kiss to the approval of her friends to universal recognition.

Is the jewel of your eye still huffy? Any Bollywood (or even some Hollywood) movie will show you how to convert that simple diamond necklace into a hypnotizing tool. There are some advantages and disadvantages in trying this, but more about that later.

The Perfect Ending:

You wooed the girl, you gifted her your heart over a candle-lit dinner (thus helping save energy, making it a "pink and green Valentine"). And now you both are planning to make it a perfect ending to a perfect day (and date). Remember, it is better to be safe than sorry in such cases. All the Bollywood movies (till 90's) will show you that touching two flowers, preferably roses, together is perfect (and safest) way to achieve what you had in mind. No further comments...

Coming up next:

The Morning After: How to use the next morning to impress her further. This is where you score over all her (and her friends' boyfriends,) ex's, crushes, and everybody else.

Also, Places to avoid on Valentine's Day: Now everybody and his travel agent will tell you about the "most romantic place" to celebrate the day, but we bring you the list of places you should avoid. A sneak peek:

1. Tajmahal: All said and done, it's a 400-year-old tomb. Do you really want to spend your day in such a place?
2. Eiffel Tower: You can go there if you have 5 days to spare, so you can stand in line on 10th with all the other couples who had similar idea. But then, if you have somebody to stand in line with for 5 days, pray why are you reading this guide?

So, stay tuned for next part. And if you use this guide and are successful, don't forget to show some loyalty in the form of some royalty.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken


Previously by Aerie Institute: Non-veg and Attack on Community, FNS or Fanatic about Non-issue Syndrome, The New Updated Spamming-101