Wednesday, February 08, 2006

FNS or Fanatic about Non-issue Syndrome

After SNTN1, another victim of FNS was found last week here at cyberland. The victim, MNIYA2, displayed all the symptoms of second stage of FNS, confirming the rumors that the disease has started spreading. To avoid further spread of the disease, we at the Aerie have decided to spread the knowledge about the disease.

Causes:
Although the actual causes of the disease are still unknown, the information till date suggests that the disease can spread from any FNS patient to any apparently healthy person. The data suggests that persons with low levels of enzyme l-ortho-bigoto-immuno-cogitamine (popularly known as logicamine) are particularly susceptible to the disease.


Symptoms:
The disease attacks the logicamine controlling centers in the brain, causing reduced levels of logicamine. The enzyme is particularly important in proper functioning of the thinking part of the brain, so this part is the one severly affected as the disease progresses.
e.g. MNIYA was found advocating the use of English over Hindi, because,

“The strength of Hindustan today over other countries like China is that we are able to speak English well, and that should be developed. In Maharashtra, Marathi children should speak only Marathi and English. No other language should be allowed to infringe upon the development of Marathi and English as the two primary languages of every Maharashtrian.”

and
“I think we should start disregarding Hindi and should not respond until the other person talks in Marathi.”


During the second stage of the disease, the logic centers are severely affected, causing statements like,
“We are Indian first? Who says? Your history textbook? Your school teacher? Gele bhokat!(To hell with them)”

and
“You hollow-chested excuses for patriots, Itkich zar deshasathi zalzal hoti tar mag pranarpan karayla ka nahi gelat sainyat?(Why didn’t you join the army to sacrifice your lives for the country if you feel so much about the country?)”


A patient in second stage is extremely resistant to many kinds of therapies.

In third stage, the disease can take one of the two paths:
1. Benign: The path of benign disease, symptoms and the treatment is discussed here, here and here in detail.
2. Malign: In this stage, the patients have been shown to have speech impairments, leading some of the researchers to believe that the logicamine plays at least some part in speech centers of the brain. At this stage, the disease is called CPD (Culture Police Disease). This stage is almost universally untreatable, and the patient can be extremely sensitive to “attacks against culture”. Symptoms at this stage include sayings like "मराठी हो तो मराठी बोलो(sic)".


Treatment:
Though the disease decreases logicomine levels in the blood, the persons with high enzyme levels are shown to be extremely resistant to it. Also, some researchers claim to have cured patients in first stage by logicamine therapy.

In second stage, sometimes a contact with person with high logicomine or cynicomine levels may cure or stop the progress of the disease, though the treatment is extremely difficult.

The third stage is exceptionally hard to cure, though extreme therapies like social shock or liberalis vaccine are being clinically tried. A few cases were historically reported to be cured by a medicine called cupid-arrow. The search for this medicine is currently our primary aim at Aerie.




We at Aerie Institute of Immunology request the people to test your levels of logicomine, and take necessary steps to stop the spread of the disease. Taken enough precautions, we can stop the spread of this fatal disease.

To all close relatives, friends and girlfriend/boyfriends and other halves of the patients, याद रखिये, बोलने से ये बिमारी नही फ़हलती, बोलनेसे तो सिर्फ़ प्यार बढता है!

जनहित में जारी (Issued in public interest by Aerie Institute of Immunology.)


Glossary:
1. SNTN (pronounced sun-tan): Say No to Non-veg!!!
2. MNIYA (prononces mania): Me Not Indian, You A@#$#s!!!
(The names of the patients are changed to save my person.)

2 Comments:

silverine said...

Flash News: There was a recent outbreak on V Day in Mumbai.

This was damned funny :)) I was following the whole brouhaha over Crystals side splittingly funny post. Saw Ms Overseer in action with her British prudishness and Mr Hawke who had to hurriedly pull down his post as a lot of factual truths about out epics came to light. What irritates me is that this so called moral police are still under the colonial hangover. We are the land of the Kamasutra and it's high time we took pride in that.


grrrrrrrr I hate pop up comments window!!!

Fleiger said...

Yes, I came across this post containing the V'Day Spl.

Crystal's post started me thinking, and then when one of my fellow-orkutian started saying things like those mentioned in the debate about languages, it pushed me over the top. I agree with the post-colo point, what I found funny was, the person didn't want Hindi, but he wanted English to be taught.

Fixed the pop-up bug ;)