I do TV

So, Pitu and Amrita did this post. And since I have no idea for any new posts at the moment, I think I might as well go ahead and take it up.

Statutory warning: Most of the shows listed below are offline right now. I have marked the ones on screen right now which I follow regularly (as against catching up once in while), and you can see, the percentage is pretty low. Plus, like shoe sizes, 2 seasons of a British show = 1 season on US TV. What I am saying is, just because I watch Doctor Who and Scrubs on repeat once in a while doesn’t mean I need medical help.

Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand, the rules are pretty simple:

1. Bold all of the following TV shows which you’ve ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime.
2. Italicize a show if you’re positive you’ve seen every episode of it.
3. Highlight new additions with an Underline. ( I added some BBC and Scifi/syfy shows which were missing from the list)

24 * 30 Rock 90210 7th Heaven ALF Alias American Gothic American Idol America’s Got Talent America’s Next Top Model Angel Arrested Development Babylon 5 Batman: The Animated Series Batman Beyond/Batman of the Future Battlestar Galactica (the old one) Battlestar Galactica (the new one) Baywatch Beverly Hills 90210 (original) Benidorm Bewitched Big Love Black Adder (Rowan Atkinson + Stephen Fry + Hugh Laurie – Mr. Bean = Great Comedy) Bonanza * Bones Bosom Buddies Boston Legal Boy Meets World Breaking Bad Brothers And Sisters Buffy the Vampire Slayer Burn Notice Californication * Castle Catherine Tate Show Chappelle’s Show Charlie’s Angels Charmed Cheers * Chuck (I am going to miss first few episodes of season 3) Clarissa Explains it All Columbo Commander in Chief Crossing Jordan CSI CSI: Miami CSI: NY Curb Your Enthusiasm Dark Angel Dark Skies DaVinci’s Inquest Dawson’s Creek Dead Like Me Deadwood Degrassi: The Next Generation Designing Women Desperate Housewives Dexter Dharma & Greg Different Strokes Dirty Sexy Money * Doctor Who (OK, the 2005 series, not the original series) Dragnet Due South ER * Eureka (you are missing something if you haven’t been to Eureka) Everwood Everybody Loves Raymond Extras Facts of Life Family Guy Farscape Fawlty Towers Felicity Firefly * FlashForward Frasier Freaks & Geeks Friday Night Lights Friends * Fringe Futurama Gavin and Stacey Get Smart Gilligan’s Island Gilmore Girls Glee Gossip Girl Grey’s Anatomy Grange Hill Growing Pains Gunsmoke

Happy Days Harry Hill’s TV Burp Have I Got News For You Hercules: the Legendary Journeys Heroes Home Improvement Homicide: Life on the Street * House How I Met Your Mother Ideal I Dream of Jeannie I Love Lucy Invader Zim Invasion Hell’s Kitchen JAG Jackass Joey Kim Possible King of Queens Knight Rider Knight Rider: 2008 Kung Fu Kung Fu: The Legend Continues La Femme Nikita LA Law Laverne and Shirley Law and Order Law and Order: SVU Law and Order: CI Legend of the Seeker Leverage Lie To Me Little Britain Little House on the Prairie Live At Appollo Lizzie McGuire Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman Lost Lost in Space MASH MacGyver Mad Men Malcolm in the Middle Married… With Children McLeod’s Daughters Melrose Place Merlin Miami Vice Misfits Mission: Impossible Mock The Week Modern Family Mod Squad Moonlight (It has a mopey vampire in love with a mortal girl) Monk (Series finale was just this month) Mork & Mindy Murphy Brown My Life As A Dog My Three Sons My Two Dads * Mythbusters (I have seen a lot, just not sure all the episodes) * NCIS * NCIS: Los Angeles (Like CSI, NCIS is going places now) Ned Bigby’s Declassified School Survival Guide Nip/Tuck * Numb3rs One Tree Hill Oz Perry Mason Power Rangers Press Gang Primaeval (dinosaurs + time travel) Prison Break Private Practice Privileged Profiler Project Runway * Psych Pushing Daisies QI Quantum Leap Queer As Folk (US) Queer as Folk (UK) ReGenesis Remington Steele Rescue Me Road Rules Robin Hood ROME Roseanne Roswell Royal Pains * Sanctuary Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

* Scrubs Seaquest DSV Seinfeld Sex and the City Six Feet Under Slings and Arrows Smallville So Weird South of Nowhere South Park So You Think You Can Dance Spaced Spongebob Squarepants St. Elsewhere Star Trek Star Trek: The Next Generation Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Star Trek: Voyager Star Trek: Enterprise Stargate Atlantis Stargate SG-1 * Stargate Universe Starsky & Hutch Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (Hey, I still think it is nice) Superman Supernatural Surface Survivor Taxi Teen Titans That 70’s Show That’s So Raven The 4400 The Addams Family The Amazing Race The Andy Griffith Show The A-Team The Avengers The Beverly Hillbillies * The Big Bang Theory The Brady Bunch The Colbert Report The Cosby Show The Daily Show The Dead Zone The Dick Van Dyke Show The Flintstones The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air The F Word The Golden Girls The Honeymooners The Jeffersons The Jetsons The L Word The Love Boat The Magnificent Seven The Mary Tyler Moore Show * The Mentalist The Monkees The Munsters The O.C. The Office (UK) * The Office (US) The Peep Show The Powerpuff Girls The Pretender The Real World The Shield The Simpsons The Six Million Dollar Man The Sopranos The Suite Life of Zack and Cody The Thin Blue Line (seriously, Rowan Atkinson is funny when he is not Mr. Bean) The Twilight Zone The Waltons The West Wing The Wire The Wonder Years The X Factor The X-Files Third Watch Three’s Company Top Chef Top Gear Torchwood True Blood Twin Peaks Twitch City Unfabulous Ugly Betty Veronica Mars Weeds Who Dare Wins Whose Line is it Anyway? (US) Whose Line is it Anyway? (UK) Will and Grace Wings Xena: Warrior Princess

So, what’s your score on the chart?

 

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Those Frakking Toasters messed with my mind

…and now, the Battlestar Galactica intro plays thus in my mind:

Sorry for that. As you may have guessed, I have been watching some BSG lately. And one question I have everytime I watch that intro is, why “toasters”? Why not something else, say… microwaves? Or lawn-mowers? Vacuum cleaners? What dastardly rebellion can a toaster plot against humanity?

No, I am not obsessing over it. Whatever made you think that?

I was planning to continue “Detectives” series, but random timepass and bad jokes triumph over well researched posts any day on this site. So Special Agent Aloysius Pendergast will have to wait for another day to make an appearance here.

Till then,

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

P.S. Want to fill in the blanks and make that into a video? Drop me a line.

Dinosaurs, and time travel…

Because one thing Jurassic Park lacked, was time machines. And hence, to bridge that gap, we have the British sci-fi drama, Primeval (BBC Site).

Prof. Nick Cutter is a Professor of Palaeontology, who is more interested in the mysteries which cannot be explained by Darwin than conventional studies. His student, Connor Temple, tells him about a giant predator sighted near the Forest of Dean. What Connor is unaware of is that Cutter’s wife, Helen Cutter went missing 8 years ago in the same area, where she was investigating another creature sighting.

Cutter, followed by his lab assistant Stephan Hart and Connor, quickly establish that the animal is really unknown, really huge, and apparently, really bad-tempered, with muscles and talons to match. On the other hand, a reptile specialist Abby Metland is searching the forest for the origin of an entirely new gliding reptile species. And Claudia Brown, a Home Office agent is looking for Cutter to debunk the rumours of giant predator in the forest.

What they all chance upon is something they haven’t imagined: a temporal anomaly, which temporarily connects the modern day Forest to late Permian era. And while the impromptu team manages to send back the creature that came through this anomaly, that is just the beginning. And the things which will come through next are a whole lot worse.

The nature of the show almost begs comparison with the other BBC sci-fi shows: Torchwood and the touchstone of all sci-fi, Doctor Who. While it’s to each his/her own in most other areas, Primeval does score over both in terms of special effects. Although some creatures do seem to move jerkily, I am not sure whether it was the animation or the actual gait of the creature.

I can go on about the traditional team composition in the show, how you don’t need Doctor Who absence as excuse to see this, and so on. But the meat of this series to me is:

The time-travel nature of the show makes it much closer to the Doctor Who, and raises similar questions about the concept, e.g. what we the insiders call Grandfather paradox. Doctor Who solves this problem of meddling in a divine fashion¹. Primeval has a more mundane, or more twisted (depending on your view) solution for this.

(Kinda, sorta, maybe Spoilers Ahead)

I once read somewhere (has to be some sci-fi story), that impact of any ordinary event on the timeline is smoothed over within 400 years².

Which is why when some changes in the ancient past erase a character from timeline, the person reappears although with a different name, different personality, but same face. Although, it might be that they didn’t want two very similar characters in the team, and add more conventional diversity, but the logic behind the change goes a lot deeper than the traditional evil twin or “hit his head and got amnesia”³.

On the same lines, if you watch closely, any change or impact on timeline ends up in a. for a single possible timeline, “been there, done that” b. for those who believe in multiverse, the forks taken for the current reality. So, the attempts of a character to change the future make that future more plausible, and attempts to change the past are already part of the history.

Yes, once you figure it out, many “Big!” plot points are intuitive, which is why I put up the spoiler warning. But believe me, that doesn’t take away one bit from the enjoying the show.

(End of Spoilers)

Oh yeah, you would probably want to watch the series before you watch the upcoming movie.

Watching this show, many will once again wonder why British sci-fi series tend to be more intense and dramatic than their mainly action-oriented American counterparts (even counting occasional Eureka and Sanctuary).

But my question is, can we expect good science fiction shows on Indian television any time soon, or should we just give up and go back to our routine of soaps, comedy/reality and cricket?

 

- The Great Eagle has spoken

P.S. Previously, I wrote about "Brainiac: Science abuse", and "Yes, Minister/Yes, Prime Minister".

Notes:

1. The Doctor, as a Time Lord, has complete knowledge of proper timeline, past and future, and only intervenes in case of any deviations.

2. Or possibly 40 generations. Forgot the exact figure. Help welcome. Of course, this doesn’t count catastrophes or events such as say, premature death of all dinosaurs, or of the first Homo Sapien. We will see what happens to our timeline re: Dodo.

3. Which is another thing I like about British serials. e.g. how wonderfully changing the main actor in Doctor Who is explained, without affecting the storyline or the show.

Not yet, Fat Lady

It frequently happens in TV serials that following a major crisis, one of the characters says something like, "We did it" or "I think we killed him/her", and is promptly (or not so promptly) proved wrong. Now that's an emotional roller-coaster not everybody is equipped to deal with [raise your hands if you get queasy on roller coasters (before you ask, my hand is firmly touching the ground)].

So, next time such things happen, before you feel relieved that it's finally over or despair that you may never see your favourite character again, here are

10 Signs that it's not over yet:

10. The serial name starts with a "K":  nothing is permanent in those, except the characters.

9. We are talking about the ex- of a main character: Be sure they are coming back to haunt betray the main character, sooner or later.

8. We are talking about the relationship between the main characters: and the series finale is not yet in sight.

7. A main character is dying: and it is not yet time for mid-season break or season finale.

6. A Goa'uld System Lord is dying: Those guys just don't understand the meaning of "death".

5. There is an Australian cricket player who hasn't yet written his book: self-explanatory. (What? The whole Sydney test and after fiasco wasn't a soap opera? Could've fooled me.)

4. The most obvious suspect is apprehended: Rule of thumb: if all evidence points to one person, he/she is innocent. (Called as such because when you point finger at somebody, your thumb may be pointing in a completely different direction.)

3. Somebody said, "I think we fixed it", "Thank God it's over" or some such thing: Did someone say "jinx"?

2. The Earth/human race is about to be destroyed: If earth is destroyed, where will we shoot the next episodes?

1. You are just reaching half hour mark in a one-hour episode.

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Kweshchan Hamare Mahabharat Ke

You may have noticed (please say you did) that I have been missing from this blog for some time now. And you may have thought that I may have been a victim to another bout of writer's block. Well, you are right.

And since, try as I might, I cannot find any topics for making up a new post, I decided to fall back on the tried and tested method: I went back and saw some recent episodes of "Kahani Hamare Mahabharat Ki".

What can I say? It worked like a charm. Or rather, I came out with enough questions to cobble together into a post. Like:

Say you are an interior decorator tasked to decorate the interior of a palace for a blind couple. How sadistic you have to be, to place a huge couch right in the middle of the room, knowing something like this is bound to happen?

Or this one:

Say your brother is back from fighting a battle (or rather, 18th one) with a man (whom you incidentally love). How desperately in love (or is it, lurrrve) you have to be, to immediately think that the "good news" your brother brings with him is about your marriage to this man, a.k.a. his mortal enemy?

Incidentally, I always thought of Rukmini as a strong-willed woman, what with her being unconventional enough to write a letter to a man she has never met to come and marry her. Plus, she is supposed to be the favourite wife of a man like Krishna. Then why does the Rukmini I see here is permanently in glycerin-locked-and-loaded mode?

In Mahabharat times, where could you get a daasi who refers to a Princess as tum? How very socialist of her...

And wouldn't it be, I guess "better" is the word here, to show Krishna overpowering Vidarbha soldiers his prowess in fighting, instead of "freezing" them? And, wouldn't a cunning warrior like Krishna go in the heart of enemy territory completely armed? Why should he "pluck" a sword out of thin air to fight?
I guess that's enough questions for today.


In short, what I am saying here is, be back soon...

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Shri Mahabharat Katha - FAQ

Given our expertise on the subject, it is not surprising that our mailbox has been flooded by people wanting to understand the Kahani of Mahabharat. So we thought it better to answer the most common questions here instead of in private e-mails.

After all, answering questions is beneficial to your fame.

In episode one, etna andhera kyoon hai bhai? (Why so dark?)

First off, it is night. Secondly, they are sitting in a courtyard, thereby diffusing the available light even further.

And they have just proved our theories about ancient lighting systems. How? If you see closely, there is hardly anybody who is wearing full reflective golden jewellery.

In episode two, why did the Mushaka kept flying through the forest? Especially when he knew that he could fly just above or just to the right and avoid the trees altogether?

Any pilot worth his tail(fin) knows that the “nape of the earth” approach means that you fly almost at treetop level, and not below the tree line.

Now by this time the Mushaka should have enough practise to judge the correct flight path for the weight on his back, and avoid flying through the same forest twice. Also, looking at how irritated Ganesh looked trying to get all the branches and leaves out of his face, this is one giant mouse who is due for a major dressing down, if not for a pink slip.

Are we about to see 360 degree shots starting from multiple angles with the name of the character said over and over again every time a new character is introduced? And even later whenever the character is on the screen? (Who knew Ganga had so many names, or rather, adjectives)

Well, at least 50% of the viewers (the men who watch saas-bahu serials balancing the numbers for the women who don't) see most of the actors as completely unrelated, and in many cases, completely opposite characters if they just change the channel. So, it is understandable that they want to make sure everybody recognizes a character from every possible angle (kind of like when you get 360 degree views of cellphones or cars on websites).

And they have to hammer name in our heads enough times for the same reason. So many times in fact, that you are almost forced to ask like Raabert, "etane saare naam? baaki log kidhar hain?" (So many names? Where are other people?)

Plus, it helps in keeping the plot of an episode within two lines. And have you forgotten the 90-10 rule of mythological serials?

Since Ganesh, being a God of Knowledge, is omniscient, why didn't he just know what Vyasa was going to tell him? In short, why didn't he write the story himself?

This particular question deserves a whole chapter in our upcoming book on Mahabharata. But in short, Vyasa is known as “Adya Kavi” (the First Poet). Given modern poetry, do you think it is so surprising that even the God of Knowledge, in his infinite wisdom, does not understand poetry?

What kind of wolf did Devavrata kill?

Aah... contrary to popular belief, it was a Himalayan Wolf, and not Gray Wolf (a species commonly found near Greece till it was endangered by the Spartans).



Keep them coming folks. We live but to serve...



- The Great Eagle Has Spoken


Technorati tags: mahabharat, indian television, tv shows

How to Write a Crime Serial

Second in series of our “How to write a…” posts, we bring you a tutorial on how to write a crime serial. And by “crime serial”, we mean a serial with crime-fighters, and not criminals as protagonists (Elementary, my dear friend).

Now, before starting to write a crime serial, you need to decide what genre you want to visit: Crime/Action or Crime/Comedy (dark humour and unintentional jokes not included). The difference between these two is that the “serious” ones would include a government organization/team, while the “lighter” ones will normally feature an independent “consultant”, with either tense or friendly (sometimes both, with different members of course) relationship with the authority. Of course, given that there can only be co many crime-fighting organizations, you can place protagonist in some auxiliary field (clinical pathologist, psychologist etc.)

Next, if you are going for a government organization, you need a catchy name. After all, EIA¹. So, the best way to approach this would be to think of a nice sounding acronym, and then create the name of organization based on that. The name should have some form of C-word in it, or failing that, words like “Special”, “Department”, “Squad”². Oh, one thing before we go on. Most of the three-letter combinations being already in use by now, you will need a four letter acronym.

Of course, your main protagonist needs a crime he wants to solve, but cannot. It can be against his near and dear ones (or at least, or against himself). This gives you plot points for the season finale, and maybe the “driving force” for your protagonist.

Now that you have all the basic things in place, you can go ahead and write the episode. (I know, I know. Too much prep. for a 40 min episode. But you need all this if you want to be back for a second season)

First you will need to decide what kind of crime you want in the episode: Theft or Murder. Theft can be information theft (and espionage), while murder always follows rape. Of course, you can combine these two crimes together, too.

Next thing, how many dead bodies you want to show? The established standard is 1-2 murders in "screen" time. If your props department goes crazy and creates more dead bodies, you will need a serial killer, and the “extra” bodies are previous murder victims.

If there is a person your protagonist (or one of the protagonists) can get attracted to, make sure that the person is either the criminal for the episode, or one of the victims. The only way for the character to avoid either of these fates is to make sure the actor can come back for next (at least a few) episodes.

Romantic attachments between two characters from same team are strictly for second part of last season. A little flirting and "resultant" tension can be introduced any time.

Also, the "team" will lose at least one member in one of the episodes. If the episode is not a season finale, the death will be a faked one, and the person will be back one or two episodes later. A death in season finale is usually permanant, and you will need a replacement for that member from next season.

And finally, here are some ideas for your stories which have stood the test of time:

• The "team" is exposed to a deadly contagion and has to solve the case before one of them dies or they all can get out of quarantine.


• The protagonist is (almost literally) "caught red-handed". The only thing is that, she³ is innocent, but cannot prove it because of stress-induced amnesia.


• The protagonist wakes up in a container buried underground⁴, along with another person. They have to solve the case before the air runs out.


• An obsessive "fan" develops (what may or may not turn out to be) a "fatal attraction" for the protagonist.


• Serial killers are always a good bet, since they can come back for multiple episodes till they finally get shot. Then again, you have copy-cat killers and "apprentices" carrying on the legacy.

So, ready with your deerstalker cap, magnifying glass and pipe? May the "little grey cells" be with you!


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

P.S. The first chapter in the series: "Anatomy of a Spy Novel".

Notes:
1. Everything's in Acronym
2. You can sneak in "Wing" if nothing else is working.
3. It is usually a "she".
4. I think there is a redundant word in there, but I am not so sure.

5 Deadliest Jobs, Onscreen

The lot of today's TV actors (both sexes) is a hard one. In the old days, they had to cry and smile (a lot) on screen. Today, every self-respecting TV show has a scene where somebody is crying, and/or praying to some god, and/or getting slapped. And while main actors are impossible to kill, there are certain roles which you cannot get if you are not good at playing dead.

Traditionally, Bollywood movies make it easier to decide if you need to be there for all the filming schedule (e.g. hero's sister, heroin's friend or the vamp are the roles which allow you to film a dying scene or two). But now even in TV serials, that there are certain roles for which you must be a perfect possum-impersonator (possumnator?). For all you aspiring actors out there, if you are auditioning for any of the roles in the following list, there's a very little chance that you would be coming back for next episode:

1. The person of attraction for a criminal investigator: If you are cast in this role, there's a 90% chance you will be killed in second half of the episode. If you are in lucky 10%, the person you liked would be the one who slips handcuffs on your hands (to arrest you, not for the “other” reason).
   Unless of course, you are part of the team yourself, in which case, you have got about 50-50 chance that you would be there for a few episodes. Your cue to start looking for other gigs is when the main character starts noticing you (on-screen).


2. The "guruji" for good side in horror serials: The amount of time you will be alive is inversely proportional to the piety and holiness of your character. You would be especially lucky to make it to the second half of the story.
   By now, I am pretty sure that this is a conspiracy on behalf of pseudo-secular, liberal media to undermine the traditional Hindu religious practices. After all, what message does it give to our young generation if a person who spends his lifetime in praying is so easy to kill, while somebody else gets a divine intervention? And that too, a person who cannot even pronounce half of the words in the shlok properly.


3. The “modern” boy/girl in horror serials: If your wardrobe consists of modern clothes or if you don't spend half your time praying and bent half doing charan-sparsh to all and sundry, start making plans for the rest of the day you will be getting off.


4. For any crime serial, if you are in cold open, specifically, if you are the first person the viewers would see, your role after the titles would be to lie down on a cold slab/freezer, playing a dead body. If it's a horror serial, your role ends with your first shriek.


5. A drunk: Alcohol kills. Ask any drunk from horror serials. Oh yes, you cannot, because they are all dead.
   The only difference is that instead of a painful, drawn out death due to organ failure, you will have a painful, quick death by most bizarre means possible.

Have I missed anybody?


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Some More TV Detectives

Oh yes, "Detectives" series is back. And before I go on to non-desi detectives (and there's a whole lot of them), I want to finish up with some TV detectives which I didn't cover last time. One I am including more for the sake of completeness than anything else, the other one, I didn't know exist.

Special Squad:

The Name: Special Squad
The Men (and Women): Aryan Khanna, Shaina Kaur, Dipika Ghosh, Ajay, Neha, Boxer, Shotgun, Papaji

Special Squad (not to be confused with their Australian mates) was set up by Commissioner of Police, Mumbai, as a "special" team. Supposed to be a crack team of homicidal investigators and forensic experts, they are pitted against the "perfect criminals". The team is led by Aryan Khanna (who is pushing himself because he could not solve the case of his wife and daughter's murder) and later by Dipika Ghosh (who is put in the team to control the unorthodox ways of Aryan).

The cases are a combination of the cases where the team has to find the criminal and the ones where they have to catch the criminal. While the later often tend to be more "police-procedural" drama, the former are interesting, if not brilliant. Perhaps the major point I can talk about is that the "cases" do not seem to be overtly "inspired". Then again, the series was a 2005 original, and I am not really conversant with crime dramas of that period. Also, although the story of a cop troubled/fueled by personal trouble is common in books, it was rare in the serials I have seen (If this was 2007, I would have jumped all over them for with "Life").

In case of the "investigative" cases, they are fairly guessable. But when we see the unit reconstructing the crime scene while investigating, the crime "scene" shows the real criminals. I want to find out who made this decision, as this definitely takes away a lot from the suspense. I agree that a group of people discussing how the crime happened is less interesting than actual visual, but then seeing the face of the actual criminal about halfway through the episode is not good either.

I think if the serial had gone beyond one season, this would have been a good one. Of course, I don't think this would have given any serious competition to CID, as this is much more "emotional" drama, not to mention that CID has got quite a few years to establish the characters. But then again, this slight emphasis on emotion does make them less prone to the unintentionally-funny gaffes CID often makes.

That said, I did not know that the time of death could be pinpointed to the minute by forensic examiners. Neither did I know that bullet cases are fired, and not the bullet.

Coming next week: He lives with a doctor. The title song tells us that he is a master of disguises. Sounds familiar? Well, you will be surprised.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

P.S. Find the link to the other posts in "Detectives" series under "I Wrote..." in the sidebar.

Further Analysis of the Ghostly Realm

Since my post on "Top 10 Must-haves in Horror Serials" was so well received, I thought it was time I give you some more details of my knowledge on the subject. So I thought I should give you a sneak peek into my yet unpublished (indeed, unfinished) thesis on "Ghosts of (and on) Television":

A Rough Classification of Ghosties:

Out of 10 ghosts, on an average, 3 are jilted lovers, 4 are devil worshipers, 4 are convicted criminals (mostly serial killers), while 2 are disciplinarians like jailers and hostel-wardens (my friends tell me there is not much difference between the two), with a shapit aatma (cursed soul) thrown in for good measure.

And no, I am not weak at maths. Some fall in two or more categories.


Now, on to the Part Zwei of the "Must-have's in Horror Serials".

• Traditions are there to uphold: As I have noted before, even the ghosts of former club-hoppers love traditions. This is amply shown in their deep dislike of modern (especially feminine) clothes, and their choice of habitat (old, mainly abandoned buildings and palaces). But you can also safely bet that given a choice between a cellphone and a disconnected old (or faux-old) phone, the call from "beyond" will come on the later.


• Idiot Box: But that doesn't mean that spirits don't change with times. Since their old toy of radio is out of fashion now, they have learnt to use TV as a means of communication. (But I still think this is a conspiracy from Parents' Association, to scare away children from watching TV)


• It's hard to teach dead dogs new tricks: Ghosts, if possible, will try to use the tools of their former trade for killing people. If they don't have access to such things (what is a hostel-warden going to use to kill people he doesn't like? A pen?), then they will make do with anything they can think of. Which is why sometimes there is no connection between their "powers" and how they died.


• Mein mooh dikhane ke kabil nahi raha: Undear Departed are often considerate enough that they will keep the person they killed facing the other way from others in the room. It is their way of "closing the eyes and covering the face".
  So if you find yourself in a haunted house, and one of your group is sitting in a chair facing away from you, just move on. Because there is a good chance that he has "moved on".


• Haha, not funny: Ghosts have a sense of humour, but they don't appreciate jokes at their expense. Guess they are not much different from us humans after all. But then, they were (almost) human earlier.


• KISS (or Keep it selectively stupid): It is well-documented fact that the brain-cells start dying once the oxygen supply to brain is disconnected at death. Which effectively makes the ghosts selectively stupid, at least when it comes to killing main characters.
  Which should explain why a ghost who was professional joker can think of new and "amusing" ways to kill somebody but does not know the joke we all heard when we were in kindergarten. I mean, we all knew why the frog cannot jump when we break all its legs in pre-school, didn't we?


• You gotta earn your stripes: I am pretty sure there is some kind of internship period before a dead person gets to be a full-blown ghost.
  Otherwise, wouldn't it be great just once to see the ghosts of the people a ghost killed gang-up and beat their killer? (I promise, I wouldn't comment even if you make a shoddy copy of the graveyard scene in GoF)

The book (which I humbly think will be considered the last word on the subject) is a work of art in progress. Pre-orders will be open soon.

So, got anything to add?

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Medium, Nothing "Well-Done"?

Every weekend, I look forward to catching up with my "favourite" serials on Indian television. And one of the main reasons I look forward to this time is that, it has never happened that it hasn't inspired me to ask some fundamental questions of life.

Just take my today's thoughts as an example:

1. As far as I remember, taking aatmas of dead people is a task allocated to Yama (and his Yamdoot) in Hindu Mythology. Since when was the task "outsourced" to the scythe-bearing Death?


2. And is that why sadhus (tr: sages) now recognize Death? Is this what they mean by "Global Village"?


3. Death being such a mean, old (yup, mean and old both) thing, shouldn't its aura be black, and not such glowing bright Rin-ki-safedi white?


4. Luckily, the old remedies(?) to frustrate the Death still work (remember the tale of Savitri and Yama?)


5. There might be worse reasons to die than just because your wife cannot care to follow Karavachauth, right? (And standing near a Sati-Savitri might be more deadly than just jale pe namak (tr: rubbing salt on...) in this case)


6. Incidentally, how do you know that someone sitting next to a temple in a place completely foreign to you is Gyaani Mahatma (tr: An Enlightened One)? As a corollary, how exactly does a GM look?


7. On an unrelated note, why do all women take a bath on suhag-raat (tr: wedding night?)?


8. If somebody is suspected to have died of poisoning, and if there is a beverage glass lying nearby, the conclusion is obvious. So, after discussing and saying it out loudly many times, and packing off the glass to forensics, why are some people surprised when they hear that the beverage contains poison? Is it short-term memory or are they surprised that they got it right?


9. If police are tracking somebody who used to work in the place where a murder was committed, why should it come as a news to the commissioner that the aforem. person used to work in the aforem. place? What happened to all lines of communication in the investigation?

As you can see, despite the doubts about television's IQ (or lack of it), it does keep providing me such food for thought weekly... Nothing better to relax on a weekend..

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken


P.S. Can anybody give me the English translations of the Hindi words I have used here? For a detailed description of "Karvachauth", see Madhavi's comment below.

P.P.S. And no, in my opinion, suhag-raat != honeymoon. Honeymoon normally extends much more than "that" one night.

Quote of The Day:
Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956), on the radio program The Big Show, Dec. 17, 1950

In Your Face

What with the inflation and collapsing economies, we increasingly find it hard to live our life without advertisements and sponsorships¹. Product placements seem to have penetrated every aspect of our visible life².

But the product placements we see in everyday life can go two ways (like songs in Indian movies) : subliminal messages blending the ads with the content seamlessly, or in your face marketing.

Recently I came across these two different approaches in two TV serials:

Scenario 1: Eureka is a township housing the best of the best scientific minds in US, working to push the boundaries of science, in a military contracts company. In one episode, the head of the company is in a video conference. When he finishes the conference, the screen shifts to the logo of the phone manufacturing company³.

Now the fact is that logo belongs to a real-world company working in telecommunication and software field, and you just watched a highest-security-clearance video conference taking place on the phone by that company (or at least, using the software by that company). Clever? Oh yes. Subtle? No doubt. Now that's what I call genius⁴...

Scenario 2: In every episode of CID on Sony channel, you get at least one instance when someone, mostly Fredericks⁵, gives you the "Coming Attractions" on Sony in as subtle manner as Peeves' practical jokes⁶.

I am not comparing Hindi vs English serials, or Indian vs American advertising here. I mean, perhaps the best ads I have ever seen are the Fevicol and Feviquick ads on Indian television, while I am still wondering how a caveman who parties, uses airports, has access to news channels and psychologist, and knows the words like "existential meltdown" is different from a modern man. What I am saying is, many times, in your face marketing gets opposite results than intended (telemarketing, anyone?).

I have just come across a product placement in a book. A character (maybe main, I haven't gone that far in the book) thinking that shifting to Mac from PC has changed her life for better, reducing the booting time. What do you think of that? Subtle? Jury is still out on that.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken...


Quote of The Day:
I LIKE ads. It's not that we don't like ads, we just don't like ads when they are out of place.
- Bill Barnes, How to Blog for Money by Learning from Comics


Footnotes:
1. In unrelated news, have you seen the Amazon search box in the right sidebar here? And the google ads?
2. I still haven't seen anybody putting company logos on the underclothes for advertisement, but I cannot be entirely sure here, can I?
3. Something like when your Dell laptop has Dell desktop image as default originally when you buy it.
4. But then, you swing a microbe and hit 10 genius in Eureka, but that's for another post.
5. The guy seems to have been added to the cast for comic relief. As if the other goings-on were not humorous enough...
6. For the ignoramuses, these include statues falling on your head and suchlike.

Top 10 Must Haves in Horror Serials

Indian Television and Movie Industry has a long and glorious tradition of “horror flicks”. If Ramsay brothers frightened the populace with the horrible ghosts like “Jaani Dushman”, “Jaadu Tona”, the television audience thrived on shows like “Kile ka Rahasya" (remember this?), “Zee Horror Show”, “Aahat” and “Sshhh… Koi Hai” to name a few.

There are quite a few things which are common amongst all these media. But after watching myriad movies and TV serials, I have come to a conclusion that there are 10 things which every single horror serial episode has to have (as opposed to movies which might have all or none of them):

• Koi Nahi Bachega: In first five minutes, no human is safe.


• And... you are “it”: In next five minutes, if you hear “darawana” music and camera is sneaking onto somebody from the back, the person will be completely safe, though thoroughly terrified at suddenly getting a hand on her (it's normally *her*) shoulder.


• Jeans, bad; Punjabi Dresses, safe: The more outspoken, outgoing and modern a girl, the more the chances that she will be one of the first ones to get bumped off. By corollary, the more shy and reserved a girl, the more her chances of getting saved, by a boy, with whom she will walk in sunset (or “exit left”).


• Times, they are a-changin': The ghosts of earlier (and admittedly more traditional) era can be recognised by their white sarees and lighted candles, the ghosts have become more modern now and have a wider choice of wardrobe. More often than not, “Black” seems to be the colour of choice now-a-days.


• Ghosts like deserts (and deserted places): Rajasthan (with its palaces in desert and all) has more ghosts than all other states combined. By contrast, South Indian ghosts are either highly camera-shy, or need to be put on endangered species list.


• Architecturally and geographically speaking: People do continue to live in most deserted places (and live alone or with minimum of servants at that), miles from basic amenities, yet having everything they want. Every single ruin you see has to have a “living” or active ghost. On the other hand, even houses in most crowded part of city do have certain necessities like a hidden dungeon or two stashed below them.


• Jab gidad ki maut aati hai, tab woh akela ghumata hai: However “haunted” a place may be and however terrified the people may be, there is at least one boy or girl who will insist on wandering off alone.


• “Inspired by” not copied: If you recognise the start of any episode as an english ghost (or horror) story you have read earlier, be sure that by the end you will either be questioning your memory, or cursing the mish-mash that is served to you. (Just to give an example, in a recent episode which started very similar to “The Shining” had among other changes, an additional couple which could only have been included to add a pint or two more blood on the sets).


• The Law of Inverse Beauty: Death does not agree with complexion i.e. ghosts of even the most beautiful women or handsome men turn out to be horrible looking (which should keep the beauty-concious among us from becoming ghosts). But, the most horrible looking ghosts turn into most beautiful women or handsome men when needed.


• No publicity: Every single Bollywood-lover worth his/her salt knows that the police are always late. But in horror serials, the police are there only to cart off the bodies even if people insist on dropping dead every two minutes or so (and many times in the same family). Any police officer continuing the inquiry either comes late or becomes “late”. And in today's day and age of satellite channels (with channels insisting on telling news before it happens), the reporters are included only if most if not all of them are in line of death.

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken...


P.S. The article marks (or rather, marked) my debut on Desidabba.

Quote of The Day:

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956)

Technorati Tags: tv shows, horror, humour, lists, top 10, indian, desi

The "Professionals" of Crime Fighting

Now that I have gone through the roster of “Private Eyes” on TV, I think it is time to recap the “Professional Wiis Eyes” (Note to self: This is 'eye', not I. So the plural is 'eyes' not 'we'). The professionals on (at least Marathi) television have a glorious tradition, which has names like “Hello Inspector”, “Ek Shoonya Shoonya” in the list. Even in the current scene, “professionals” score better than amateurs, given CID is perhaps the most famous show in this genre currently (of course, new Karamchand will soon amend that).

So, here goes:

ASW:

The Name: Anti – Superstition Wing
The Men (and The Women): (can somebody help me here?)

OK, I have cheated a bit here. “Lekin Woh Sach Tha” was not exactly a detective show. This was the show which introduced us to such paranormal topics like “limbic system”, “astral projection” and investigated phenomena like ghosts.

Of course, being a DD show and as you can get from the name of the organisation, the main objective desi jodi of Scully and Mulder wants to fight superstitions prevailing in the public conscience. This they did by exposing babas and other assorted villains. But even they did investigate some crimes like murder as a part of their job, and so I feel justified in including them in the series. (And of course, I like paranormal).

CID:

The Name: Criminal Investigations Department (at least, that's what it officially menns)
The Men (and The Women): ACP Pradyuman, Senior Inspector Abhijit, Daya, and company

This is the show which started the series. This is perhaps the most famous detective show an Indian television today. Led by ACP Pradyuman, this team of brave, intelligent, weird and sometimes bumbling officers tries to solve cases from all across Mumbai, with the help of the latest technology and forensics.

Of course, don't be misled by the name of the organisation. They seem to reach each and every crime in the city, many times without the normal police being called in. On the other hand, if they are supposed to reach only most perplexing and difficult cases, it bodes pretty ill for Mumbai given the sheer number of cases.

But don't get discouraged. Once you get past the obvious “influences” from foreign shows and detective stories, the show makes for a quite a nice entertainment, if only to see if you can solve the case easily.

CID Special Bureau:

The Name: Criminal Investigations Department, Special Bureau
The Men (and The Women): ACP Pradyuman, ACP Abhimanyu and company

A “spin-off” of CID. This show follows the exploits of a group of select officers of CID who try to solve more complex and sometimes “file closed” cases. The officers are supposedly selected because each one is an expert in one of the fields like forensics, ballistics and so on.

What it essentially means to the viewers is that the cases are definitely different and more entertaining (I could not find any direct influences on any other stories I have watched, and the show does involve some comedy). Though that makes this show better than the original, the original CID scores better for acting.

Did I mention that the female officers on CID are worth watching out for?

Did I miss any shows? Hopefully not. So now I can take a sabbatical from the series, as I have covered all the desi detectives I could remember. If I have missed any, or any improvements to the series, commenced are welcome...


Quote of The Day:

"We have in our police reports realism pushed to its extreme limits, and yet the result is, it must be confessed, neither fascinating nor artistic."
- Watson, in "A Case of Identity"

Kayda aur Suvyavastha: Television Detectives of India Part II

UPDATE: Corrected info about Jasoos Vijay.
This was supposed to be one post, containing a small review of all the desi detectives I had read about or seen. Due to that turning into a novel, had to split the post into two, literature and TV. These in turn turned into novels, and had to be split. Finally, this has turned into a whole series.

Presenting part II of the “private” detectives on TV:

Sam D'silva:

His Name: Sam D'Silva
His Watson: Gopi
His Moriarty: -

I guess the word “Tehqiqat” (Tehqueeqat, yeh hai tehqeeqat) will be better recognized. Vijay Anand's Sam was eccentric enough, and his sidekick played by portly Saurabh Shukla (regular Hindi movie-fans would know this comedy actor well) was funny enough. The serial was more humorous than thriller, though my almost only recollection of the serial is of the episode with the ghost of (as far as I can stretch my memory) John Parrera.

Again sorry, but I have only a sketchy memory of the show. Any ideas if it might be re-telecast?

Jasoos Vijay:

His Name: Vijay
His Watson: Gauri, his wife
His Moriarty: HIV(?)

Perhaps the first “interactive” detective serial, which asks people to solve the crime, where each episode is aired in 2 parts. Co-produced by BBC, with Om Puri as anchor, this is a fairly recent addition to DD.

I haven't watched much of this serial, but from what I saw, and from what I read on the website, though the “cases” are fairly easy for hardcore fans of the genre, there seem to be no overt “influences” on the story.

The only point I can say I don't like (but maybe not “unlike”) is that the show is used in typical DD style to send “social and patriotic” messages, the chief being educating people about HIV/AIDS (Vijay is shown to be HIV-positive). Now, what with the interactive format of the show, and Om Puri and BBC, this might be highly effective (indeed the many letters they get indicate that it is), but as a hardcore fan, I like my stories to be just about crime and detection.

I think the serial it still being broadcast on DD, so if anybody watching it? My recommendation: do watch and tell me how it is. Like all good serials, this serial is also off-air now. (Thanks DK)

I guess that about covers up the well-known and worth-mentioning “private eyes” we have seen on Indian TV. Know anybody I have missed?


Coming up: The “Professional” Eyes on TV


The Great Eagle has spoken...

Quote of The Day:

"Results without causes are much more impressive."
- Sherlock Holmes, in "The Stock-Brocker's Clerk"

Kayda aur Suvyavastha: Television Detectives of India Part I

Being an Indianized reference to a famous crime-detection serial (Special mention for guessing which one, detectives)

As I have run out of Indian detectives in literature, I turn to another of media sources (I sound like an executive giving presentation, don't I?), to wit: television.

Now, Indian Television has a very long tradition of detective and crime serials. I must (honorably) mention marathi serials like “Ek Shoonya Shoonya” (meaning 100, titled for obvious reasons), the serial which started ACP Pradyuman's career, “Hello Inspector” (had an extremely catchy tune) and “Dhananjay” (don't remember the actor's name, though he is a good and famous one), which we used to watch in the days when the prime-time “regional” programmes were limited to 7.15 pm to 8 pm (after regional news to before hindi news) time slot. Perhaps, my fascination with detectives started with these, but my memories of them extend no further than the names (“A long time ago, on a TV far away” and all that you know...)

So, I will get to better recognized names. I have already talked about the televised “Byomkesh Bakshi”, and how a great actor backed by great story (and a nice casting) makes for a serial worth watching. There is another detective which confirms this:

Karamchand:

His Name: Karamchand (full name, anyone?)
His (clueless) Watson: (Shut Up) Kitty (which may as well be her full name)
His Moriarty: -

Unfortunately, I don't remember much of the original, except that he ate a lot of carrots, and “Shut up, Kitty” (I was very young then, you know). But the serial was the first proof (being the first detective serial on Indian television) for the theory that Kapoors make great detectives (Pankaj in this case, Rajat in Byomkesh). Even the second innings currently going on is worth watching (and makes you put some faith in “sequels”).

Karamchand is your typical black-goggles and black coat-clad, cool-headed, intelligent, slightly bumbling and eccentric detective. In short, confirming to almost every prototype of a “private eye” (he eats carrots, you know) you can think of. Trivia: he is also apparently a practising lawyer.

Kitty is the cluelessness taken to the extreme, and given that you don't really need a chronicler for TV series, her role is only limited as his secretary (the main part of her duties I guess is to “Shut Up”). Quite different from other detectives, (at least so far in second season) Inspector Khan (played by another brilliant actor, Atul Parachure) is not your quintessential amateur-hating, egotistic fool, but works in tandem with Karamchand, and is knowledgeable and a good inspector on his own (of course, that does not mean that he gets everything or the brilliant Karamchand does not explain things after the climax).

The stories are mysterious enough to keep you glued to the seat (can't glue you to the screen, right?) and keep your interest alive for the entire hour. Again, as far as I remember, the original cases were limited to gharelu matters per se, and the second innings keeps to the roots (director is also the same, Pankaj Parashar), merely making the crime scenes more “exotic”, like a beauty pageant-training institute, reality-show shooting and all.

My advise? Though Karamchand eats less carrots due to inflation, he is no less intelligent or less interesting. Go watch...

Had to split the post in 2, because it kept getting longer and longer, so watch out for part II.



The Great Eagle has spoken...

Quote of The Day:

...any moment before the end might be the important one. This I believe.
- Agatha Christie

Jagrit, Suvyavasthit Sahayak Part I

A bomb is ticking away, and there is no chance that anybody can diffuse it in time. Two brave officers volunteer to take it out in a helicopter and let it blast over the sea, so that nobody will get hurt.

Now if you think I am talking about a Dan Brown novel, think again...

Oh well, I am one of the people who (try to) watch CID every week, without cracking a smile (or cracking the TV, whatever). Trying to figure out which story (or show) has influenced the episode is a real nice fun. But when the officers start brandishing their weapons (I know, wrong choice of words) on the street and start firing across Mumbai streets in the middle of afternoon, even I feel something is wrong. Incidentally, one of the recent episodes was copied almost completely from “Murder on the Links” (Of course, the copy was not complete as the victim/murderer's wife was not shown to be bound by the assailants).

Given the current condition, I felt it was necessary to have a review of tradition of great detectives we have had in India. Let’s start with the most famous of them:

Byomkesh Bakshi:

His Name: Byomkesh Bakshi

His Watson: Ajit, an aspiring writer

His Moriarty: --

This is the first name anybody thinks of when you think of “India” and “Detective” in the same sentence. Now, Byomkesh is not really a detective, but a “Satyanneshi” (Seeker of Truth). The combination of Rajit Kapoor and great stories made for a real entertainer. Of course, as the series was based on original stories, there were fixed number of episodes after which the series ended. The series was pretty faithful to the original story, apart from a few bits which really did not take away anything from the suspense.

For those of you who have not read or seen the stories, an aspiring writer Ajit takes up a room in a not so fashionable part of the city. There, he shares his room with a young man. There is a murder on their doorstep and in the next room. After the young man is suspected of committing the crime, he is revealed as a detective who is helping the police catch a drug racketeer. After catching the criminal, Ajit moves with Byomkesh to his house and joins in his adventures later.

Even though sometimes we can detect a small influence (not “influence”) from Sherlock or Poirot, the stories are completely Indian in every sense. The stories are mainly about crimes like murder, theft and other domestic problems. But, as Sherlock says, “...strangest and most unique things are very often connected not with the larger but with the smaller crimes...”, and the mysteries are not trivial. Of course, given that the stories take place in the pre-independence Calcutta, it would have been hard if not completely impossible for him to get involved in crimes of State Importance like Sherlock or Poirot does living in the capital. He does help police take on crimes of local importance like a drug racketeer, a (kind-of) serial killer etc. He also has run–ins with at least two ghosts that I know of.

Like most of mainstream detectives, Byomkesh is clever than people surrounding him. But unlike mainstream detectives, he is very human. Apart from his Sherlockian humour and a bit of secretive nature, he comes out as a pretty straightforward person. Unlike Watson, Ajit knows a lot about his plans after he joins the detective as a biographer and a friend (He even knows when Byomkesh is playing the dead). Also unlike most mainstream detectives (and I'm not talking about Paperback detectives who get a girl in the middle and at the end of every story), Byomkesh gets the girl at the end of one of its adventures and marries her.

The best part? Byomkesh Bakshi episodes are back on the air…

The Great Eagle has spoken...

P.S. 1. All the reviews and comments are based on the english translations of the stories and the few episodes I have watched recently. Any Bengali speaking people who have read the original are requested to correct me wherever I am wrong.

2. Anybody who tells me where the title comes from, gets to choose what post comes next... Hint: "Bahut limited hai aap ka knowledge"

Quote of The Day:

“It is your commonplace, featureless crimes which are really puzzling, just as a commonplace face is the most difficult to identify.”

- Sherlock Holmes (“The Red Headed League”)

Tele-woes

When your parents told you TV can make you mad, they were not bluffing, or scaring you. Read on (at your own risk) to find out how...

Imagine you are working for a whole weekend on a project, and solving the deep questions of Life like “why doesn't a list containing .toLowercase()d words recognize a uppercase character?” or “Why oh why doesn't 'maltose' start with 'malto'?” (or at least why does my program says so). After two whole days of intense soul-searching err.. code-searching, you are ready to hit the TV.

Now “Rome” is a series worth watching if you can look past the PG-24+ rendition of violence and that other thing ancient Rome was famous for (the things those hills saw before the Vatican stepped in, I tell you...), and not eat you heart out for small historical inaccuracies (I mean, nobody who is supposed to live is dead, and nobody got a new lease of life that I can think of), it's a nice show to watch. So, you get ready to watch some “action” (in all senses of the word), and what you see? The show has been canceled for a week because of some Awards show or other.

But you rally from the shock, saying that you can live without the show for a week, and that you will have endless re-viewings of “Studio 60” and “The Office” to keep you sated for a week. And what do you hear next?

Now, I have said it before many times, but “Studio 60” is (I cannot say 'was” *sniff*) a show worth watching. I mean, look at this... a clear successor to “Sports Night”, a show from Aaron Sorkin (get your hands on any episode of “Sports Night” or “West Wing” and you will see what I mean), starring (for a start) Matthew Perry (for those for whom “Friends” is not a reason enough, watch the whole 19 yards – 9 and 10, I mean, and the 3 episodes of West Wing) and Bradley Whitford (again, refer “West Wing”). The pedigree is enough to raise the expectations of any discerning viewer, and the show didn't disappoint. So, when you hear that the show had to be cancelled even before it finished one season for lack of viewers, you wonder what people are watching here.

At this point, I would like to issue an warning: keep away from “The Office” you people at whoever-decided-these-kind-of-things... All in all, some idiots are making an idiot out of idiot-box.

On home front, I am happy TGILC is going nice. The “Mahayudh” concept was nice, and the champions are really a talented and quality bunch. But the “Comedy Champions” show somehow didn't click for me. And then I watched a show which was supposed to make me laugh, and didn't crack even a smile in 20-odd minutes. That means, it is bad.

So, the only things remaining for me are reruns and sequels. There, I hit gold (literally given that “old is...” concept). So, good news here: “Byomkesh Bakshi” is back on the air. And “Karamchand” back for a second innings. Of course, given that the carrots are supposedly pricey now, the fact I haven't seen him munching one yet is not so surprising.

And at the end, I would like to make a confession: I like to watch a soap opera. This is a show with a typical family in true tradition of saas-bahu serials, where the matriarch of the family rules with an iron hand. They are rich enough that the elder son is able to take his wife to Switzerland and buy her a diamond necklace for their first anniversary, and the younger son gives one of his acquint. Rs. 2 lakh as a loan without second thoughts. Even their servent is treated as one of the family. There is love abound in the family (the couples even have rhyming names for each other like Sonu-Somu), and drama enough. There is also sad moments when there are “affairs” of heart involved. But at the end of the day, they always get together to defeat the people who hurt the family (these include a builder-cum-bhai, a competitor and a scheming share-dalal).

Now before you start judging me, let me tell you that the show is Shekhar Suman-starrer Divan khandan ki kahani “Dekh Bhai Dekh”. Dekh one episode bhai and you will never dekh any other soap opera. Comedy at its best this is...


The Great Eagle has spoken...

Quote of The Day:
Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
- Clive Barnes

What Happens In Your Bedroom At Night?

What is the best thing to do in bed at night? What are the things you should not stick in your microwave oven? What are the things that go “boom”? How much weight can you lose in 4 hours? Does the duck's quack echo? What is the best thing to drink after eating hot and spicy food? Do you really believe in science?

If you have these and similar questions, watch “Brainiac: Science Abuse”... the program where they abuse science in the name of entertainment. Or in their own words, “the program where we put science in tight underwear and give it a wedgie”.

I caught the program first when I was in Germany. Flipping channels and ruing the shortcomings in my education (to wit, not having learnt German), I came across a British program, which started off with a bang, literally. And from then on, me and my friends were totally hooked onto the program. Of course, I think it is prudent to mention that the beauties in “Explosive of the week” or the pretty professor who sees “Which fruit floats” had nothing to do with our fascination (OK, very little to do).

After coming back to India and then in US, I constantly surfed the radio waves, trying to find a channel which shows this program. Not much success, although there were some similar program on US Discovery channel (Mythbusters). I was really missing this program... and finally, after much searching I finally got the first season. Party time folks...

Now, before you flag me for “adult content”, let me tell you (at least the people who have read so far), that the answer to the question in subject line is that you lose weight (though sweating) and gain height (and also, don't believe in cassettes which tell you that listening to them while sleeping helps your learning). When you combine this knowledge with the knowledge we get for “Fat V Thin” challenges, we learn that it's better not to face hurricanes in the morning. Or be stuck in north pole in just your swimming costume, or be a passenger on titanic. On the other hand, postpone facing blizzards, or that field trip to desert you always wanted to go on for a morning after a good night's sleep (of course, you can also lose almost 2.5 kg in 4 hours if you are in hurry).

If you can't get on that ride in Disneyland due to height, be there first thing in morning. That way, you can get the help from that added height in morning (or worst case, won't have to wait in line for hours on end before learning the bad news). Also, following things are better out of microwave: a light bulb (of course, the glow is simply great), CD (although it cracks with a beautiful lighting pattern) and a balloon of helium (unless you want the microwave to burst).

If you want to get somewhere in hurry, you can build a hovercraft out of items you get from a store (but don't rely on it to cross The Channel). You can also stick a container of compressed carbon dioxide on it for adding the extra bit of speed, as CO2 has conquered land and water (though space is still conquered by bottled water and compressed air).

But there is a bad news for all of us. If you heard that looking at women's breasts for 30 minutes is equivalent to 30 minutes of exercise, unfortunately it's not so. Also, a duck's quack echoes. And apparently, imagining your interviewers to be nude does not help in case of an attack of interview nerves.

Remember that the cooking oil used in our kitchen is the slipperiest oil, and you can rely on masking tape to hold your weight for almost 20 minutes before giving up. Milk is the best drink if you want to soothe your tongue after that hot and spicy food you ate. Sprouts are the food to avoid if you don't want smelliest f&%t.

Mobiles may not detonate the petrol fumes, but keep your nylon (or synthetic) clothes at home if you want your friendly neighborhood petrol pump to be still in place after you fill 'er up. Unbreakable safes are, unless confronted by a Challenger 2 (in which case, you might as well say good bye to the stuff inside the safe as well as the safe, so that's fat help). But most of the unbreakable household things aren't (of course in normal conditions, they won't have to deal with detonating helium).

For all sportspersons: While it's best to get out of way of a speeding cricket ball or hockey puck, if you want to be a dare-devil, guards are most important thing to wear. Have no sports drink when you are back after playing? Mix equal amounts of HCl and NaOH. And while sports drinks go in faster, lager comes out faster and more.

And finally, remember that easiest recipe to toss a salad, make chips or have a kebab is
1.Mix all ingredients
2.Stick an explosive charge in it.


Now, on to Season 2... Brainiac...


P.S. Check out the Tickle'e Teasers.


The Great Eagle has spoken...

Quote of The Day:
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
- Jon Tickle

Ramayan Ramayan

(Say the heading in your best Narad "Narayan, Narayan" imitation)

“Seeta-Ram Chareet Ati Pawan” (the Paa dragged) the only times I have heard these lines were sitting in front of TV or running to get in front of TV, and I am sure many people of you would say the same thing. I don't need to tell anybody who had heard this that the serial Ramayan was extremely famous at those times.

So famous that the traffic on Sunday mornings used to be sparse (the trend taken forward by Mahabharat, when traffic used to be zero). In fact I remember watching a whole episode standing in front of TV shop (/hotel TV) when we were on Banglore for trip one Sunday.

Anyway, the reason I dragged all this history (ancient history for some) out in the open, is: recently I got access to the episodes of this epic, and watching them again refreshed all these memories of sitting in front of TV with the whole family, having the cup of coffee, and getting the dishes of breakfast out during advertisements. Guess many people must have such memories, given the sheer popularity of the serial.

This was one of the first serials I liked on the TV. In fact, I think Ramayan started the whole trend of religious serials (which was taken way ahead by cable channels, so much so that only english channels would be worth watching from all those Gods who visit us through the channels). At least my parents never had problem with us watching this, for the content and after watching again, now actually I am appreciating some of the things about our culture they showed/told in that serial. If the kids are insisting on watching TV, these serials should be recast. It is indeed filled with sometimes in-depth knowledge of our culture. The special effects team was marvellous (for details, see below), and the main actors pulled off very good performances, which actually matched their characters.

But then, the “re”view of the episodes brought some more things to the light, which make these episodes a very good source of entertainment too. For one thing, I am sure the music/song writers must have doubled up as dialogue writers, which must be the reason that each episode has about 80% songs/shlok + 10% music, the rest are dialogues. I haven't yet come across a fully musical episode, but I am sure one such thing is lurking somewhere out there. But this helps when you are watching it again, so that you can forward all these things, and finish a half-hour episode in 10 min.

Then again, kids will be kids and actors will be actors. I am sure I heard little Bharat shouting “Yay!!!” when it was told he got maximum mangoes with his arrows (and I am pretty sure the word originated from “Yes”, giving us a shocking insight into the One Source of All Languages theory). And how many people have noticed the look of incredulity/unbelief/envy on the face of Lakshman when Ram kills Tratika? He has kept his feelings pretty much in control other times, but here, he slipped. And then, when the brothers tease Ram after he is in love with Seeta, the banter is way away from the reality. But then again, they were heros/Gods in ancient times, so may be that will be norm of those times.

But the extras/secondary actors leave much to be desired. The Rakshak mandali normally work by their make-up, and the only acting needed from them is laughing evilly. Still, I am sure the script said that when Parashuram comes in Janak's court after the breaking of Shivdhanushya, he is supposed to be angry. He tries to pull off the Jamadagni, and succeeds in looking as if he is so terrorised that even a cat mewing behind him will be enough for him to run back to Mahendra. The whole scene is so funny, that I was laughing hard even 10 minutes after it was over. The whole sequence contains Parashuram wishing all “Chirayu bhav” etc etc when they welcome him, even if he is angry (try saying something good when you are angry, the effect is irresistibly funny), the Lakshman betting him on about his state and saying we don't hurt Brahman, and the final touch comes from Ram, whose lines when appeasing the old chip off the block (well, they both are Avatars of Vishnu) sound so very insulting.

After I recovered from this, the next episode is spent in all the marriages and all, which are about same as Barjatya films marriages. After the marriages, the whole next episode is spent by everyone asking everybody else not to leave, and live some more days. After Janak to Dasharath, Dasharath to (one of) his brother-in-law, I was expecting the next scene with Vashishth to Vishwamitra, and could foresee the dialogues.

After all the fun, I thought that Balkand was never my favourite Kand anyway, and I shifted my focus to the favourite Yudhdhakand. I guess you must have guessed the subject I am going to talk about next. Yes, the reason many a children lost eyes, and many a brooms lost the sticks in them. The war with arrows (Astras) where the (in)famous special effects team came into their own. The eternally going arrows, with something (either some gas, or some divali-crackers type light and fire) coming out of their tips. When the arrows (finally) met each other, there would a sound, and then one of the arrows would vanish, causing the winner glee and the loser in the bargain much chagrin. I have just seen some of the (famous) Ram-baan returning to his quiver after the exchange. I am sure that's what is called “Akshay bhata”, the quiver of infinite arrows.

And the way Laksham taunts his enemies is, in a word, priceless. And the look on the face of Angad after his tail is retracting in his body after he has talked in Ravan's court is, well imagine the look on your face when something is being pushed into your body, and I mean something the width of your wrist, and length more than your height. After this he challenges the Courtiers/Warriors in the court to move his foot, and the action he does reminds you of a kid throwing tantrum and sitting on the ground.

The first day of war starts with both the sides standing in front of each other and saying “... ki jai” so many times that you start shouting for them to get it over with and start the fighting. And the main players fight in front of a background of war, in which many times the enemies can be seen passing clean through each other.

Well, the post will go on and on, and still there are many episodes to be seen. Of course I haven't mentioned Hanuman anywhere, because his roles in the episodes I have seen till now is minimal. But then, Dara Singh... that should be enough.

I know I have written a pretty bad “re”view (काढलिये म्हणा ना), but then, I guess saying that it is one of my all time favourite serials (along with Mahabharat, Byomkesh Bakshi etc etc) should be enough to show me that I don't think it's a junk.

While we are on the subject, can anybody tell me where I can get Mahabharat or Byomkesh Bakshi episodes?



Quote of the Day:

Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.
- Fred Allen (1894 - 1956), on the radio program The Big Show, Dec. 17, 1950