Sunday, March 23, 2008

5 Deadliest Jobs, Onscreen

The lot of today's TV actors (both sexes) is a hard one. In the old days, they had to cry and smile (a lot) on screen. Today, every self-respecting TV show has a scene where somebody is crying, and/or praying to some god, and/or getting slapped. And while main actors are impossible to kill, there are certain roles which you cannot get if you are not good at playing dead.

Traditionally, Bollywood movies make it easier to decide if you need to be there for all the filming schedule (e.g. hero's sister, heroin's friend or the vamp are the roles which allow you to film a dying scene or two). But now even in TV serials, that there are certain roles for which you must be a perfect possum-impersonator (possumnator?). For all you aspiring actors out there, if you are auditioning for any of the roles in the following list, there's a very little chance that you would be coming back for next episode:

  1. The person of attraction for a criminal investigator: If you are cast in this role, there's a 90% chance you will be killed in second half of the episode. If you are in lucky 10%, the person you liked would be the one who slips handcuffs on your hands (to arrest you, not for the “other” reason).
    Unless of course, you are part of the team yourself, in which case, you have got about 50-50 chance that you would be there for a few episodes. Your cue to start looking for other gigs is when the main character starts noticing you (on-screen).

  2. The "guruji" for good side in horror serials: The amount of time you will be alive is inversely proportional to the piety and holiness of your character. You would be especially lucky to make it to the second half of the story.
    By now, I am pretty sure that this is a conspiracy on behalf of pseudo-secular, liberal media to undermine the traditional Hindu religious practices. After all, what message does it give to our young generation if a person who spends his lifetime in praying is so easy to kill, while somebody else gets a divine intervention? And that too, a person who cannot even pronounce half of the words in the shlok properly.

  3. The “modern” boy/girl in horror serials: If your wardrobe consists of modern clothes or if you don't spend half your time praying and bent half doing charan-sparsh to all and sundry, start making plans for the rest of the day you will be getting off.

  4. For any crime serial, if you are in cold open, specifically, if you are the first person the viewers would see, your role after the titles would be to lie down on a cold slab/freezer, playing a dead body. If it's a horror serial, your role ends with your first shriek.

  5. A drunk: Alcohol kills. Ask any drunk from horror serials. Oh yes, you cannot, because they are all dead.
    The only difference is that instead of a painful, drawn out death due to organ failure, you will have a painful, quick death by most bizarre means possible.

Have I missed anybody?

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken


Mikeachim said...

The person who says something along the lines of "Don't worry, we're perfectly safe" or "Ridiculous - that volcano hasn't erupted in a thousand years" or "I refuse to believe that someone's lower colon *could* detonate with the energy of 5 Suns" is painfully obviously doomed.

Also, people who join a boarding party / armed landing party / assault team who you've never seen before. Especially if they're younger than everyone else. Particularly if they have freckles.

Amey said...

@Mikeachim: All true. Add "minority character" and "the funny guy" to the list ;)

Which is why I limited myself in this post to only those characters in crime serials, and in "horror" serials.

Lower colon and energy of 5 suns? HAHAHA...