Sunday, March 16, 2008

Want To Conquer The Earth?

Do you want to get out of your planet to another? Didn't the last planet you conquered fulfil your ambition? Are you sick and tired of hearing about the planet your neighbour annexed last week (as your better half keeps reminding you)? Then you have probably heard about “Conquer That Planet You Always Wanted” series of guides from Diabolical Press.

This week, we were lucky enough to get an advanced copy of the new “Earth” edition of “Conquer That Planet...” for review, and are glad to bring you some excerpts from the book:

Conquer That Planet You Always Wanted: Earth

Are you a radioactive slug (or a radioactivity buff)? This planet may turn radioactive any moment now. Are you someone who loves being around water? This planet is mostly water (and the level is increasing by the day). All in all, Earth is a good prospect, no matter what your tastes (as long as you pack for an oxygen rich environment).

Earth is classified as “Mostly Harmless”, and our guide is carefully tailored to take out that “Mostly” part from the equation, giving you a completely hassle-free campaign. So read on...

How to get there: You are looking for a nine (or eight, or ten, based on your definition) planet system in the extreme arm of a spiral galaxy. Once you get there, go past the ringed gas giant, an orange gas giant and a red planet, to the third planet from the sun. (Make sure you get the latest directions from your local astronomer).

The best time to get there: Make sure you get there on Friday night, Saturday or Sunday (known locally as weekend) local time. This is the time most of the local populace (humans) is busy either in “parties” or lazying about at their homes. That will guarantee a spectacular panic when your spaceship “arrives”.
Any other day of the week is also not bad, but make sure you avoid Monday, especially Monday mornings local time. Most of the humans are not exactly at their most hospitable behaviour at this time, which may prove costly to your enterprise.

What to wear: Most humans are afraid of giant things. Giant insects (“bugs”) and lizards are specially feared. So even if you are a emancipated two-foot high humanoid, make sure that your bodysuit or the robot you are controlling, projects a fearsome fa├žade. Plus, this also makes a good plot point for the “movie” your attack is guaranteed to result in.
The other option, if you have enough time, you can go dressed as natives, and work from “inside”.

Local Defences: Due to lack of a centralized government, there is no single central agency you will be fighting, but a bunch of local agencies. Depending on situation, this may be both an advantage as well as disadvantage for you. The agencies may continue their policy of non-co-operation (or better yet, fight) each other even in the face of your attack. On the other hand, you may have to face several local battles.
At any cost, make sure you do your best not to do anything which will cause them to band together against you.

Some General Tips:
1.Take care of your equipment: It doesn't really suit a inter-planetary conqueror to lose a flying saucer or two. Not just that, if humans get their hands on your material (however technologically primitive they may be compared to you), they will use it to cause your destruction. So make sure that you fit all your fighting craft with “self-destruct” button, and train your fighters in its proper use (specifically, the difference between “Self-destruct” and “Fire-to-destroy” buttons).
2.Respect the local customs: Specifically, the local adage about the female of the species being more dangerous than the male. So, in the middle of campaign, don't get distracted, even if you are running out of fighter spawn, and you must get more soldiers right now. Believe us, it never ends happily.
Also, think how it will look when your better half finally joins you after you are victorious.
3.Stay healthy: Make sure that you are sufficiently inoculated against all known viruses and pathogens (that goes for your software too). And beware of (local and alien) Doctors.



The “Conquer That Planet...” guides are intergalactically well known as the foremost (and last) word about planetary invasion among the discerning elite. The “Earth edition" continues the tradition of the books containing extremely useful information collected from well-known (and some lesser-known) sources, excellent photography, and erudite and pertinent commentary on local conditions.

The edition will be available soon in your neighbourhood book-shop. Following the time-honoured tradition, the Earth edition of “Visit That Planet You Always Wanted” (the sister guide series of “Conquer...”, popularly known as the “Trepid Visitor's Book”) is already available for the readers.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

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