Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Single Guy's Guide to 14th Feb

This is a long post, but then the subject is even larger.

Now that the Valentine's Day is nigh, most of you will be frantically searching for someone to profess your undying love to. And since most of those people are doing this for the first time (or have been unsuccessful till now), you could all the help you can get. Remember, most of the institutions now club together this day with Rose Day, Chocolate Day, and all such days, leaving you with a single shot in a whole year to get The Girl (or a girl, as the case may be). You have to make it count.

So, we the people, who brought you such gems as this guide to first date, bring you the needy, sorry, desperate, sorry, people the "Single Guy's Guide to Valentine's Day", with tried and tested tips and tricks gathered from all across the media.

How to get the girl:

Right from the toothpaste you use (or should use) early in the morning (and hopefully, late at night), to the shaving cream, razor, after-shave, deodorant, breath-mints, everything is carefully researched and manufactured to help you get the girl you want. So really, there is not much to say here, since we don't like to reinvent the wheel. And oh, your set of wheels is also an important factor here, my friends.

Tried all that, and still the lady refused to oblige? Apparently there is an easy way out. Taking her to eat fried food has proven to transport her to an alternate universe, where she will go out with anybody who dares ask her (make sure that person is you). And it's cheap too, leaving you with enough dough for the all important day ahead.

But be careful, and use only what you can manage, as certain products may cause "biting off more than you can chew" syndrome. See advertisements for details.

The Gift Ideas:

So, you got yourself a girl, and want to keep her (at least till next year)? Gifts are the way to go here.

A simple card, or a flower bought at the last minute is proven equivalent to such thoughtful gifts as crafting a card or a gift on your own, leaving you with enough time to plan other things (or watch that match hoping we will win).

Caution: heart-shaped balloons, apart from their tendency to burst at most inopportune moment, are known to make you the brunt of jokes all year long, and even later. Avoid them if you can, or club them with a lot of other gifts.

Got money to spare? Diamonds, called "the best friend of the girl" as not so bad mates for male species either. A diamond is known to open up new avenues in your relationship (unlike most puns on this site, this is unintentional, and not just because "avenue" is a completely wrong word to use there). Not just that, based on (from what I can gather) the size, number and glitter of the stone(s), the "value" for your investment may range from a simple kiss to the approval of her friends to universal recognition.

Is the jewel of your eye still huffy? Any Bollywood (or even some Hollywood) movie will show you how to convert that simple diamond necklace into a hypnotizing tool. There are some advantages and disadvantages in trying this, but more about that later.

The Perfect Ending:

You wooed the girl, you gifted her your heart over a candle-lit dinner (thus helping save energy, making it a "pink and green Valentine"). And now you both are planning to make it a perfect ending to a perfect day (and date). Remember, it is better to be safe than sorry in such cases. All the Bollywood movies (till 90's) will show you that touching two flowers, preferably roses, together is perfect (and safest) way to achieve what you had in mind. No further comments...

Coming up next:

The Morning After: How to use the next morning to impress her further. This is where you score over all her (and her friends' boyfriends,) ex's, crushes, and everybody else.

Also, Places to avoid on Valentine's Day: Now everybody and his travel agent will tell you about the "most romantic place" to celebrate the day, but we bring you the list of places you should avoid. A sneak peek:

1. Tajmahal: All said and done, it's a 400-year-old tomb. Do you really want to spend your day in such a place?
2. Eiffel Tower: You can go there if you have 5 days to spare, so you can stand in line on 10th with all the other couples who had similar idea. But then, if you have somebody to stand in line with for 5 days, pray why are you reading this guide?

So, stay tuned for next part. And if you use this guide and are successful, don't forget to show some loyalty in the form of some royalty.

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Previously by Aerie Institute: Non-veg and Attack on Community, FNS or Fanatic about Non-issue Syndrome, The New Updated Spamming-101


Dhanya said...

So all these are tried and tested by you? :P

Amey said...

@Dhanya: Well, as I said, all these are gathered from advertisements (and some movies). So I assume somebody must have done the market research and all before putting it on TV, right? ;)

Princess Stefania said...

Salvation for many, I'd think.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

oh well !!!

guys come in diff packages .....

my best-est friend gave me a blade of grass and a wild flower he found on the way back from the canteen on V-Day .... was stunned .... all around me were guys gifting their friends roses and the lot , and here i get a wild tiny flower (which had a horrible smell too) ... but something is better than nothing

and the next v-day, while girls around me were getting cuuuuute (oh ! cho chweet ) soft toys , i was gifted a soft toy too (yay!!) ..... but ... it was a shark with a gaping red mouth and sharp white teeth. my best-est friend bought it for my 'coz he said the shark reminded him of me ... esp when i was on the warpath !!!

hmmm ... guys !!!!

Amey said...

@Princess: A part of Aerie's motto states "Serving You".

Care to provide any more tips we might have missed? A woman's perspective is always welcome ;)

@Deepa: You know the old saying about "it's the thought that counts".

And would you really want to get a rose like thousands of others on campus? Standing out in a crowd is not a bad thing, right?

@All: Happy Valentine's Day!!!

SiD said...

bechare Taj mahal and Eiffel Tower ko bekaar mein chapete mein le liya???
and fried food??? I dont know.. but R u sure.. Need to do a consumer Survey to believe this!!

I skipped the Gifts part - c'mon I am not employed... make sure to repeat the line next year ;)

Touching Roses..LOL.. i doubt how the Indian population has increased so much...

Amey said...

@Sid: Come on, my reasoning for avoiding Taj Mahal and Eiffel Tower is logically perfect. As for the gifts part, we are hearing some rumours about a big prize.

And yes, there's an advertisement of KFC I saw that would have us believe that due to changes in their flavour, girls become susceptible to going out with anybody who asks them. Believe me when I say all the techniques are taken from media, and none are the result of my imagination.

Roses? I guess it will have something to do with pollination and whatnot.

SiD said...

@Prize: after the parties are given , my share of prize money is hardly going to complete my gym fees needs...

The clip from DCH was amazing.. saw it after a long time... no matter how many times you see it, you L O L..But the balloon part is not there in this clip!!
and if I were my brand management teacher I would have asked you to also look at other surrogates if you are looking at an Indian market :))

Amey said...

@Sid: Since I am already giving out dating advice, I will tell you: just for once, you can use put your beau over gym ;)

As for KFC, it is now available in India, right? I don't really have access to Indian advertisements.

I tried getting the actual "balloon" video. It is nowhere to be found. If found, please contact me.