Saturday, November 24, 2007

The New Updated "Spamming 101" - Part II

The successful candidates who finish Part I of the "How to Spam: Spamming for Beginners" course will graduate to the part II.

The Hardcore Spam:

Now this is the part all the students have been waiting for, or at least those who want to launch their own spamming careers. This is the part which will earn you money, and unlike mails from part I, often ends in "Spam" folder.

The course will cover in detail the industries which provide support for our operations:

  • The Pharmaceutical Industry: Given the amount of "pills" and other "aids" sold on the internet, it does not come as a surprise to the educated people that the world population has sky-rocketed recently. But remember, that means the number of potential customers is increasing by the second. And it is our job to keep the world (-population) ticking.

  • The Inheritance and Immigration Laws: With pros of globalisation, come the cons. With people spreading all over the world, and the nuclear families shrinking, it is hard to keep track of one's relatives (and their money). The course will teach how to track down the immediate relatives (the "relative" being a relative term here), how to get government departments and banks to "clear" the concerned inheritances and to get the "authorities" to write to the "relatives" to impart the glad tidings.

  • The Banking Industry: Given the number of banks coming up (and being taken over by bigger fish), it is understandable that the websites for banks keep on changing. It is our duty to provide people with the updated information. Also, there is a social-service angle attached to this of helping people who forget their passwords by storing them.

  • The Retail Industry: Given the globalisation trends, it is but understandable that new industries need to spread overseas. And who more can understand the tricks of local markets and finances as "finance agents" recruited in the country to collect and send money to parent company? Ask any professor in marketing...

  • The Stock Market: The number of new companies coming up every day, and the rising global economy... It pays to be on top of your portfolio.

  • The Movie and Media Industry: There has been a decline in number of mails giving people access to their favourite "stars" and their special "movies" or photographs which the general public can never come across. We feel that like retro fashions, this industry is poised for comeback, not to mention an upturn. This is the evergreen source of clicks out of all the mentioned industries. Remember, this is where the "hardcore" part of the course name can be taken literally.

Apart from the market review, the course will also cover the essential skills required of a successful spammer. A short list of course contents:

  • What's in a name: How the name doesn't matter, and how getting even a part of name is enough online.

  • Spelling and grammar, do they matter?: Hint: not in the least.

  • No red tape: How to avoid the delays in official channels by bypassing the authorities (see point 2 and 3 above). We can send their mails for them.

  • The New Royalty: After all, Africa can have only so many deposed princes and dead rich men. There are more continents (and hence countries) in the world.

  • Marketing medicines, an art: The claims of "breaking a log" are definitely getting old fast.

  • Know thy enemy: The videos such as this, and other information.

Admissions are open (Instructors and research fellows can also send mails, with 3 writing samples in their area of interest).

Legal small print (because our lawyers said so):

  1. The institute does not guarantee any income after the course (except for the institute of course).

  2. All fees are payable in advance, in cash. Offers of partnerships with overseas industry or details lost bank accounts will not be accepted in lieu of the fees.

  3. The course does not advocate sending spam mails, the role of the institute being limited to teaching.

  4. For any damage caused to the candidates, the institute will only be as liable as the institute teaching horse riding or archery.

  5. For any damage caused by the candidates, the institute will only be as liable as the institute from where a student creates and sends out a virus.

- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Quote of The Day:

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick.
- Bill Gates


Keshi said...

I get so many Viagra related emails and I feel like sending those spammers a Viagra bomb. LOL!


Princess Stefania said...

Nice to see you on blogchaat. Spamments are fun. They say so many nice things about Pixie Dust.

Amey said...

@Keshi: Viagra bomb? That's an interesting idea. Care to go further on that? Would that be the one causing the population "explosion"?

@Princess: Thought I should what the Queen B. is all about ;)

Spamments do say the most nice things right? It's very hard to delete a comment saying "this is the best post I have read" just because it is trying to sell me some drugs.