Are you kidding me?

Statutory Warning: This is going to be complete rant. If you don't want to get into a royal funk, you can skip to the photos at the end.

I am assuming all the people reading this love to read rants, so here goes:

Search for "Indian Government + State Funeral" on Google, and you will get two results at the top, about Ishmeet Singh and Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw. Look at the wording in those news now, and you will know who gets the honour in India. The honour is limited to "public figures", which of course includes people in government, influential leaders, and apparently, winners of reality shows*. But evidently, you have to make an exception, sorry, a "rare" exception for India's first Field Marshal, a man who won a war which created a nation, a man who is a national Hero in his own right.

Oh, and the Defence Minister was not able to make it due to "long flight followed by journey by road". You think the family of the deceased should have had more sense to have the funeral in a more accessible place, don't you?

And while we are on the topic of Indian Armed Forces, did any of you remember that 26th July was Vijay Divas? Nobody? Don't beat yourself up, neither did our Government.

And we wonder why there is a dearth of officers in Indian Army**.

On a positive note, I have changed my opinions about the new and improved Mahabharat. I didn't know it would prove to be such a veritable nail-biter, not to mention a great source of knowledge. I mean, how else would we have known that the "son" Satyavati proposes to use to continue the Kuru lineage is Ved Vyasa and not Bhishma? And in the recent episode, I was completely sure that the God had pulled a fast one on Kansa by talking about Devaki's 8th son, when it was clearly a daughter. Luckily Vasudev cleared that mystery up, otherwise the suspense was killing me.


Now that I have put you in a very bad mood, here's something to make you happy. There's something for everybody in there:





And don't worry about me. Reading Spanish novels on top of everything else does this to me sometimes. Not to mention, the database and the server refuse to start properly, thereby dashing all my hopes of getting any work done today. I will be back to my regular self soon.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

* I haven't heard Ishmeet Singh sing and don't know much about him or his life, and I am not commenting whether he is worthy of the honour or not.
** I am completely aware of my status as armchair critic in this matter. I know that my only connection with Armed Forces is some cousins and friends serving in different branches, and the closest I have come to the service is 2 years stint in NCC. So don't send me any comments saying "if you feel like this, you should join army". The point here is not that.

Shri Mahabharat Katha - FAQ

Given our expertise on the subject, it is not surprising that our mailbox has been flooded by people wanting to understand the Kahani of Mahabharat. So we thought it better to answer the most common questions here instead of in private e-mails.

After all, answering questions is beneficial to your fame.

In episode one, etna andhera kyoon hai bhai? (Why so dark?)

First off, it is night. Secondly, they are sitting in a courtyard, thereby diffusing the available light even further.

And they have just proved our theories about ancient lighting systems. How? If you see closely, there is hardly anybody who is wearing full reflective golden jewellery.

In episode two, why did the Mushaka kept flying through the forest? Especially when he knew that he could fly just above or just to the right and avoid the trees altogether?

Any pilot worth his tail(fin) knows that the “nape of the earth” approach means that you fly almost at treetop level, and not below the tree line.

Now by this time the Mushaka should have enough practise to judge the correct flight path for the weight on his back, and avoid flying through the same forest twice. Also, looking at how irritated Ganesh looked trying to get all the branches and leaves out of his face, this is one giant mouse who is due for a major dressing down, if not for a pink slip.

Are we about to see 360 degree shots starting from multiple angles with the name of the character said over and over again every time a new character is introduced? And even later whenever the character is on the screen? (Who knew Ganga had so many names, or rather, adjectives)

Well, at least 50% of the viewers (the men who watch saas-bahu serials balancing the numbers for the women who don't) see most of the actors as completely unrelated, and in many cases, completely opposite characters if they just change the channel. So, it is understandable that they want to make sure everybody recognizes a character from every possible angle (kind of like when you get 360 degree views of cellphones or cars on websites).

And they have to hammer name in our heads enough times for the same reason. So many times in fact, that you are almost forced to ask like Raabert, "etane saare naam? baaki log kidhar hain?" (So many names? Where are other people?)

Plus, it helps in keeping the plot of an episode within two lines. And have you forgotten the 90-10 rule of mythological serials?

Since Ganesh, being a God of Knowledge, is omniscient, why didn't he just know what Vyasa was going to tell him? In short, why didn't he write the story himself?

This particular question deserves a whole chapter in our upcoming book on Mahabharata. But in short, Vyasa is known as “Adya Kavi” (the First Poet). Given modern poetry, do you think it is so surprising that even the God of Knowledge, in his infinite wisdom, does not understand poetry?

What kind of wolf did Devavrata kill?

Aah... contrary to popular belief, it was a Himalayan Wolf, and not Gray Wolf (a species commonly found near Greece till it was endangered by the Spartans).



Keep them coming folks. We live but to serve...



- The Great Eagle Has Spoken


Technorati tags: mahabharat, indian television, tv shows

Kissa Cricket Ka Part IV

While Gully Cricket awaits ICC approval (hey, the same number of people watch Gully Cricket as do Ranji), there is another form of cricket which has long gone unacknowledged. But perhaps that is fitting, since the main purpose of Book Cricket was to entertain students who had to sit through boring classes, while still looking as “study” to watchful teachers (Underground Cricket, if you will).

For those who don’t know, the rules and format are pretty simple. Take any book, the bigger the better (though smaller books had their own advantages. Read on). The “batsman” will open the book to a random page, and the “score” is based on the LSD of the even page number. 2, 4 and 6 are self-explanatory. 0 is “out” (no dot-balls allowed). 8 had many interpretations, from 8 runs for general players, to a single or no-run for seasoned veterans. Given the running between the wickets of Indian batsmen in that time, we didn’t need anything for 3 runs.

The zero-preparation and easy format allowed matches of all flavour (from ODI to Test to OPI – One Period International), played between bench-mates, or between benches. And as in the normal form of game, heroes (and some villains) emerged. Some “players” had such absolute run of luck that they were responsible for making some of our friends' loss of faith in so-called Probability, while others tried to restore that belief and the "cosmic balance".

And then, there were those who could emulate Bradman by getting exact score they wanted, with a skill which would impress even the best card-sharps in town. (You see kids, getting to know your text-books better is good for you). I can tell you some tales of a well-thumbed mathematics book (what? I like Maths. Anybody got problem with that?), with page number 10… well, let’s wait for those anti-match-fixing guys to go out of earshot, shall we?

The epic battles which raged in class included some ultra-low scores, with some runs thrown in between a string of 0's to avoid suspicion, and/or soothe our conscious. They also included some extra-high scores, particularly one innings, where the luck favoured us so much that the opening batsmen had scored more individually than Kambli-Tendulkar pair in their record partnership, before the bell rang. Before that, the opposing team had collapsed to a measly 17/10.

Thus, Book Cricket (along with pencil-football, and a form of pencil-battle), carried us across many a school days, while our teachers tried to make us understand that “energy crisis is over” or something like that. For those who haven’t played it yet, you can’t compare a well-played game of Book Cricket. Go open your books and start scoring.

And what reminded me of these happy times today? This match came straight out of BC, played on “home ground”, by people who were feeling particularly vicious about one team in the game.



- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

P.S. Click here for parts I, II and III in the series.

Shri Mahabharat Katha Part I

It is often said that what is not in Mahabharat is not worth knowing. In short, Mahabharat contains all the knowledge. And I am not talking about just the wisdom contained in Bhagvadgeeta, or the talks on politics, social life and religion between many of the extremely knowledgeable characters here. Neither am I talking about the endless plots, subplots, conspiracies, relationships and other things which would give the best soap operas of our times a run for their money.

What I am talking about is that every single time you start reading this story of Bharat, you find yourself with a new understanding of those times and a new knowledge of people and how they functioned then.

It is to spread that knowledge amongst the masses that we have started this new series, a collection of teachings the Mahabharat story provides us. After all, fame increases by spreading knowledge¹.

The series will contain some dramatic insights in the life of people of ancient Bharat, as well as carefully researched thoughts on how this tome of endless knowledge can be used to improve the standards of our lives today.

Part I: How they achieved Enlightenment?

Just as an example, we all have seen the palaces and houses of those times. But has anybody stopped to think about what we saw²? Those houses were often full of rooms without proper-sized windows (visualize any throne room in any palace), and yet they would always be full of enough light to shame today’s 100-watters and tube-lights. Now, we are not amongst those people who believe that our ancestors had invented everything, including electricity. There is a much simpler and much more elegant solution which they had found out.

And what is that solution? Just visualize any king, noble or even simple soldier from those times. Now answer me this. How much lumens of light will be reflected into a room when (say) 50 people, each covered with 75% of their body-area with highly reflective metals like gold, stand at strategic positions around one candle³? Now substitute that candle with a brace of torches, or a candelabra, and you should get some serious lighting in any room of any size.

Told you, much simpler, environment-friendly and visually pleasing at the same time. Our ancestors were a smart lot.

Don’t believe us? Perhaps you will believe us when the idea is copied by the West and comes back to us from them. Oh wait, they already did it. Remember the scene from “The Mummy” where they reflect a single ray of sunlight with a mirror to light the entire (cavernous) room?

That’s all for today. And till the next time, here’s something for you to consider: Cheese must be an ingredient in Draupadi’s “Akshaya Patra”. How many times have we seen a pizza slice reluctant to let go of the comfort of the circle, and the resultant endless strings of cheese like the hands of two lovers from Bollywood cinema being dragged apart by their “pyar ke dushman” parents?


Coming up next: Measuring time in ancient times


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken

Footnotes:
1. Before you start shooting e-mails correcting me, that is the correct proverb for the Kaliyug.
2. Hint: nobody before us did.
3. Did you expect the answer here? We are not going to do all the hard-work here, people.

Definitely Not 42

And here is your this week's supply of completely random questions which probe into the deeper mysteries of life:

• Why didn't I go to a highschool in a(ny) serial on US television?
  
  Corollary: Where do all highschool kids in Indian television serials go to "learn"?
  
  Corollary to corollary: Are there any highschool kids on Indian TV?


• Is there some Murphy's Law which gets you ambushed by heavy rain when you are about five minutes walking distance from home, on the very day that you don't take your jacket with you?
  
  If not, is it too late for me to start a list of Fleiger's Laws? (Yes, before you ask, the law will mention the fact that the rain will stop when you are soaking wet, and about 10 meters from your door)
  
  Or, like faces on currency notes, is it a requirement that you can only compile lists post-mortem?


• How do you have simple spelling and grammer mistakes (not to mention complete and obvious lack of research) on the websites of (admittedly) major newspapers?
  
  How come a newspaper reporter and/or editor does not know that Aamir Khan was blogging way before Amitabh Bachchan started, and not the other way round?


• Why does every episode of CID end in such a lame fashion?
  
  In how many ways can you say "You will [go to jail, hang]" before it starts getting repetitive and boring?
  
  Can once in a while a criminal confess before the officer of appropriate gender moves his/her hand near the criminal's face with some force? And why do killers start crying, and confess after just one slap?


• Read on a bus window: "Please keep all body parts out of window opening." Am I crazy or does that sound extremely uncomfortable, not to mention, dangerous?

The regular programming will continue soon.


- The Great Eagle Has Spoken